Lauren's Letters from 2012 Stocking Project

Oh My Goodness, I just realized I did not post letters from last year! I was thinking about when I am going to post about Lauren's Stocking Project for 2013 and was looking through my previous posts when I noticed. So I thought tonight would be a good night! Like 2011, I am going to only insert a few sentences or so from each letter. Also, here is the link to 2011 Letters to Lauren: http://autry-family.blogspot.com/2012/01/christmas-day-with-letters-for-laurens_1189.html 

Here we go:

Tiffany E. & Friends: Tiffany shared our family's story with some of her friends and they decided to do a group project! They ended up collection over 20 toys for Toy for Tots! "You have inspired so many people with your story of courage through such a hard time! Hope our small act of kindness brings some joy to your hearts!"

Nora A.: Nora donated 4 toys to Toys for Tots: 3 boy toys & 1 "very special little girl princess tea set". "Hope your holidays are filled with joy with everyone remembering your little girl. I'm glad I got a chance to celebrate her life with you."

Rori C.: "made a donation to a special fund for a family in need this holiday. I'm also making an extra donation to MEND in her memory."

David V.: Donated $20 to a homeless person

Nolvia V.: "Back in June, Jacob's Angelversary was the 27th. Friends and Family gathered that day and brought us stuffed animals, and I knew right away I wanted them in honor of my baby boy and all the other angels! Therefore when I take the stuffed animals, Lauren's name will be there along with Jacob's."

Katherine C. & Family: Donated to make a wish foundation, bought bears & donted the to the battered woman's shelter, & paid off someone's layaway!

Jessica O.: "I want to wish y'all a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year. I'm so proud of how strong y'all are..... Continue keeping your heads up high...."

Emily C. & Family: Donated to March of Dimes. "I hope your grief today is not too hard on you and you have a joyful stress free day."

Missy S.: "You, Landon, and all of these angel babies are not forgotten and are saving future children of the world with your story. Your little life has definitely made an impact on me and I can say it has helped me be a more compassionate and loving person."

Danielle N. & Family: "We prayed for someone we don't really like and don't get along with. This was a little harder then I thought it was going to be. It sounds all easy until you get to the doing part. It takes overcoming your issues. I think we were blessed by doing this. We did this in memory of Lauren."

Monica V.: She helped a young woman buy some clothing essentials .The woman was going through a difficult time and just made her journey to Texas from Central America. :She cried with emotion & I cried. She gave me lots of hugs. I don't think I have ever felt that much joy and sadness at the same time."

Adrianna N.: Let people in front of her in traffic and different lines, brought hot cocoa to the Salvation Army bell ringers, donated to an animal shelter, worked at the animal shelter and soup kitchen, and also donated decorations to a cemetery for the Baby Land area. :When I felt mad, sad, overwhelmed, or guilty I did something in honor of our babies. So thank you for helping me through this holiday season."

Esmeralda M.: "I just want to say you are such a strong person in having to go through this. Nobody should ever have to deal with it. I can't say I know what it's like, but I know it can change you forever. Hope you and your family enjoy the holidays."

Bianca G.: Passed by a Santa passing out candy but instead of taking candy, she gave the Santa a scratch off. "It's better to give then receive! I did this in memory of Baby Lauren who's celebrating with the angels. I'm sure she would of brought many smiles to all our faces."

Jenalea J.: Brought a Salvation Army bell ringer a Starbucks coupon for a free drink. "I think of you guys and sweet Lauren a lot since she died just a few days before Baby Marc. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas."

Delilah B.: Her and her fiancé helped deliver bikes to less fortunate kids. "May God give you peace and comfort."

Teena Z.: Teena & her family travelled to Atlanta where they encountered several homeless people. "We realized that as tourists we had so many snacks and waters we had accumulated and in fact did not need. It was then that we decided to package some sandwiches, yogurts, waters, and fruit to give to any homeless individual we came into contact with." They then encountered someone to give their package of goodies too, which was extremely grateful. "I felt inspired to share this story with you, because it simply goes to show that no matter how small the act of kindness, it truly does go a long way. WE have chosen to be a blessing to others just as your family has been as well."

Angie, Justin, & Caleb A.: They helped a family of 8 during a very difficult financial time. They helped pay off some bills, took them grocery shopping, helped with one of the child's birthday party, and also helped with their Christmas. " So, that is our act of kindness this year. To help a family that has also been through a loss of children and tried so hard to keep life happy for the other kids. ...  It's all about paying the good will forward. So, in honor of little Lauren and anyone that's ever been generous to others, known or random, know that we are doing our parts whenever we can, not just at Christmas. And, thanks to you all for reminding others to do so as well."

Jacob G.: "Lauren you are always going to have a special place in my heart. I hope that the time that we do get to meet again we will have the chance to get close and I will be able to show you the love and attention you deserve. I love you Lauren."

Yajaira F.: "When you're faced with a challenge you can either face it or take the easy way out. I never told your mom this but I thought her decision to give you life was crazy brave. Her love for you transcended all realms. ... The void left by your absence is felt everyday but I hope you can see that from Heaven."

Rodriguez Family: They bought 4 presents for a little 2 year old girl. "When I went to take her parents the gifts, I told them about Lauren & why we do the RAOK in honor of Lauren. They were very grateful, Lauren did not only touch my life, she has touched many loves in all the RAOK." ... "Being sisters is a beautiful blessing, you two will always be sisters here & in Heaven. I saw a picture your sister drew recently & you were exactly how I picture you, a beautiful angel with wings watching over them. Thank you for surrounding all of us with your love and memory."

Mendez Family: Made a monetary gift to The Salvation Army. "I am thankful for the time we all had with you, including your special family. Your family is one of the best. I love how they keep you alive within us and how much they speak of you. Halley is such a great big sis, your parents - Great ones! No matter what, they are always smiling. I wish our sweet angel a Merry Christmas, I bet it's beautiful there."

<3

Our 2012 RAOKs

This year we decided that we wanted to donate to a charity or organization. I was really hard to choose just 1! We went ahead and made a donation to the following:

MEND - I feel like it was only right to make this part of our donations this year. If not for mend, I would not have learned about your family or others that have provided my family with so much support. On days where things are really tough for me, I know there is also someone that I can talk to and someone that is apart of MEND will understand my pain.

COOKS - Cook Children's is the hospital Lauren was at for the majority of her short life. The care was astounding and even after Lauren passed away, they have reached out to my family and still provide support in so many ways. Cooks will forever be apart of my heart. I know many other moms that have had their children cared by the staff at Cooks and we really just wanted to give a little back.

STRANGER - I heard about a family that recently lost their home due to a fire from another blm, Priscilla. Priscilla wrote: " Imagine waking up this morning to find out that your home had completely burned down and everything is gone. Unfortunately, that's the type of loss a friend is currently dealing with. With the hustle and bustle of the "Giving Season," could you spare $10? I will be matching donations up to $100. This amazing courageous BLM has 5 children, the youngest is 6 months, and her and her husband run their business from their home, so that is also gone. Please comment or message me for the paypal address." I knew that in a hard time, I would be so grateful of anyone willing to help. This is the reason we made a donation to her and her family. I really wish that even though the times are tough, they are able to still have a Happy Holiday.

<3

2 Days Until.....

Since Halley hasn't been home this week, we have not read all of the letters and acts of kindness that were sent to us, to fill Lauren's Stocking. She is coming home Saturday morning, so we plan to read them all Saturday evening! I think we have about 20 to read. :) So, if anyone wants to join in, you just have to do any type of act of kindness, big or small, and you still have time to complete it! Then just email me what you did to: m.autry0508@gmail.com. I will not read it, stuff it in her stocking with the rest of them, and we will read them all as a family!

Once we read them, I will make an entry like I did last year and include a little snippit for everyone to read! Yay, for Acts of Kindness!

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!

We had a white Christmas this year! My Christmas was pretty depressing for several reasons, but knowing it snowed a little, made it a little brighter. I didn't go out and play in it or anything, but it is still pretty to see. Also, we were going to visit Lauren on Christmas, so we knew it was going to look extra pretty at the cemetery. I don't ever remember getting snow when I was younger, but Lauren was lucky enough to get snow on her 2nd Christmas! If only she was here with us to play in it. I am going to make another post about my depressing Christmas later on, so this one is going to be kept light, so I can keep a smile on my face for the rest of the night.

Brandon and I took Lauren some fresh flowers on Christmas, even though it was freezing, and the flowers would probably get ruined pretty quick, but we love going to visit and taking her fresh pretty flowers. Ever since she was buried, I have a photgraph of every flower we have taken to her. I mean, I don't get to take pictures of her, so getting pictures of her headstone, decorations, and flowers give me a little relief, and as strange as it may sound, it brings me some joy too. There isn't much more that I can say to fully explain that, but I'm sure some other blm will understand me, maybe.

Anywho, there was just enough snow to fully cover the ground. It was definitely pretty and I might have taken 30 pictures, ha! We gave Lauren her flowers, told her Merry Christmas, and cleaned up around her headstone since the rain, wind, and snow made a mess. It was completely freezing and I was sick so we couldn't stay too long, but I was happy to get to see her and the snow on Christmas. I wish I would have made her a snowman, but didn't think about it until after I left. Maybe next year.

Lauren's Xmas Decorations

A couple of weeks ago we went out and took Lauren her own Christmas tree, decorated it, and decorated all around her headstone, like we did last year. As strange as it may sound, we like decorating for her. It gives us that feeling like we are closer to her when we get to do things for her. Anyways, here are some of the pictures!

A while back, Halley bought a bunch of "little sister, big sister" jewlery. For Christmas, She left Lauren her little sister necklace. It is like a little message bottle with glitter inside. <3

We brought her tree w/ decorations, those little sticks that have trees or snowflakes on them, a stocking, Halley made her a picture, Arica gavce her a snow globe and that angel ornament inside her tree that Brandon made with Christmas garland.

That snowglobe is the one we brought her back from Disney World!

The Snowglobe from Arica.

I love Halley's drawings.

A couple of days ago, my sister and her family went to visit Lauren! They took her that christmas tree decoration you see, a tinkerbell stocking, a snowglobe, and put some other Christmas, festive decoartions for her. I love when I know other people go visit my baby girl. :)

Lauren's Stocking Project 2012

As many of you know, we did this same event last year, our first Christmas without Lauren. The amount of response we got was amazing! I remember feeling so overwhelmed with love and support opening all of our letters on Christmas morning around the Christmas Tree. I hoping this year we can keep this going and make it a tradition that our family can continue every year. For those of you who may not know, Our second daughter was born on June 17, 2011 and she left us on July 2, 2011. This was the worst thing we could have ever possibly endured. The holidays were even more excruciating when you see every family around you with so much joy, and you feel as though you are the only one without that joy. Last year we heard of something called a stocking project, Where people we knew could either simply write a letter to Lauren, or complete one random act of kindness in remembrance of her. These acts of kindness can be ANYTHING! They do not have to be something huge or something that costs money. Some of the things we got last year were buying candy canes for a child whose parent could not afford it, helping pay for another persons funeral, paying off someones layaway, giving out warm clothes to the homeless, helping someone with their groceries, or leaving change at a hospital vending machine. Once you chose what you feel comfortable doing, complete that act, and write a description in an email. (Remember you can also choose to write a letter to my family or Lauren and that will be just as nice.) Please email them to me at: m.autry0508@gmail.com. In the subject line be sure to put: DO NOT OPEN, RAOK, or LAUREN'S STOCKING PROJECT. We will not read these ahead of time. I will print them out, stuff them in Lauren's stocking, and then on Christmas morning, we will open each one and read them together. You will not believe how completing one act of kindess will make someone's day. Like I said big or small, it does not matter. We are just asking that you remember Lauren while doing so. I appreciate everyone taking the time to read this and considering making my family's holiday a little brighter. ♥

30 Things - November

I saw several people doing something on Facebook in the month of November. People were posting something they were thankful for, everday, making it a total of 30 things they are thankful for. As I saw people doing this, I wondered if there was 30 things I could name. Sounds easy right? Well, I think I have been dealing with depression for a while now, and I doubted being able to name that amount. So here it goes, lets see if I can name 30! (in no particular order, except what pops in my mind:

 

1. Brandon, Halley, and Lauren. 
2. Family and Friends I would consider as Family.
3. My pets - they keep me comfort a lot of the time and they are just so much fun!
4. A roof over my head and not being in a period of struggle. We have dealt with struggling before, and I am glad I am currently in an okay financial state.

5. So many interesting TV shows! - It gives me the ability to relax, laugh, or be interested in something that does not cause stress and something I can enjoy.

6. Doctors - The last 2 years have thrown me and my family so many medicial struggles. I am thankful for those that are passionate about their job and give awesome, rememberable care.
7. Cameras - I have so many memories and are able to relive them through great photographs.
8. The Christmas Season - I love being with family, joyful music, decorating, cheerful attitudes, shopping, just about everything!
9. Text Feature - I HATE talking on the phone.. HA.. If you want to reach me, text is a must!
10. Medication - I feel as though the current medication I am on is keeping me alive and functional for myself and family.

 

This is getting really difficult.

11. Work - I know a lot of people go without work, so I am glad I have a steady income.
12. Days off! - I think I would go crazy if I did not get a break and rest time away from work.

13. My car - When my last one was totaled out, I was put in a difficult situation where I was unable to have a car for a lengthly amount of time. Not only did I go crazy, I did not like having to rely on people.
14. MEND - Helps me with difficult and dark times. It was nice knowing I was not alone in this unfortunate situation.
15. Lauren's Gravesite - I am so thankful to have somewhere outside of my home to remember Lauren. We love going as a family, visiting her, decorating for her - we like being able to buy her things and getting to take them to her.

 

I am really not sure if I can think of anymore.....

 

I mean there are random, material, meaningless things I am thankful for, but I am not sure if that's the point. But I guess I did list some of these above, like the tv shows haha... oh well

 

16. Items I kept that were Lauren's - It helps comfort me to have things that she touched, wore, we used for her, etc.

17. My bed - I would never be able to sleep comfortably on the floor! It is so big and cuddly, I just love it.

18. Kindness - It is so great to find someone that is so kind, it just makes my day whenever I see someone do a kind gesture.

19. Bottled water and drinks - sounds weird, but I don't like tap water, and I don't like buying canned drinks from anywhere (unless in a box) because I have no idea what was touched it, been in or near it, etc.

20. Love - I am thankful I have people TO love. I am thankful there are people who love me. I am thankful to know that love DOES exist. I would never want to be without it.

 

Well.... I think that's it. I honestly cannot think of anymore things that I am truly thankful for. There are probably more. Or there may not be at this moment, but I am sure there will be more in the future. I tried. And I am thankful I know of some really solid things I am thankful for and would never want to loose!

 

 

Walk to Remember 2012

Capture Your Grief - October

If you have lost a child, I am pretty positive you have heard of Carly Dudley. She does so many things for the baby loss communities such as: beach butterflies, sunset photos, sand butterflies, and writing your baby's name in the sand. She goes to a place she calls Christian's Beach in Australia, which is named after her son that passed away. I was so gratedul to have her do Lauren's name and photograph it, which I bought. I plan to put it on canvas and hang in our home. I also bought a couple of other things she offered. I think it is beautiful work and I love  looking at them. Anyway, there was a tag she created on Facebook and Instagram called "Capture your Grief". I began to participate in it on instagram, however towards the end of the month, I was unable to finish it. I still wanted to share it though. So, the ones I completed are below! :)

Day #1 - Sunrise. I didn't take one that morning, I found this one online and I absolutely loved it. I love, love, love the clouds. It is what I imagined Lauren sees every morning.

Day #2 - Before Loss Self-Portrait. The 1st photo was in March 2011 when I was pregnant. I was at the zoo with a couple of my best friends and Halley. The 2nd photo was of Brandon, Halley, & I in the hospital a couple of minutes before they took me back to have my C-Section. The 3rd picture was of the 1st and only time I held Lauren while she was alive.

Day #3 - After Loss Self-Portrait. These are photos from right before our 1st remembrance ceremony, the MEND Walk to Remember in October 2011. The caption I wrote with this photo was " It is amazing how someone can look happy, but be so broken."

Day #4 - Treasured Item. We keep things of Lauren's in every room of our house and this is the area in our office. This shelf has her funeral book, memory box, a flower from her funeral, and some items people have given us in her memory. Inside her memory box we have a photo a hospital photographer took before she passed (we were supposed to get it as a July 4th surprise, her brush, & thermometer from the hospital, the size of diaper she wore, hair from her 1st haircut (when she had her blood transfusion), the originals of her prints the hospital made for us, hospital bracelets, the gown she wore when they handed her over to me, & a few other small things that I will forever treasure.

Day #5 - Memorial. This is the memorial tattoo I got in remembrance of Lauren.

Day #6 - What not to say.

Day #7 - What to say.

Day #8 - Jewelry. I got that locket right after we lost Lauren. I wear it just about everyday. The pink bracelet I am wearing is the ones we bought to give to our family that has Lauren's name and dates on it. The purple one is the one I got from MEND that says "always remembering". The ring is the one I got on our Disney trip with Lauren's birthstone! I actually have quite a bit more of jewelry, but I wear these most often.

Day #9 - Special Place. Don't you just love her flag?!

Day #10 - Symbol. The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Ribbon.

Day #11 - Support. We have so much love and support from our friends and family, so it was hard to choose just 1 photo, but I love this one. They were 2 of the 1st people to get to visit Lauren after she was born.

Day #12 - Scent. This is something that was given to us by the transport team that was moving Lauren from her birth hospital to Cooks. They told us that we needed to hold onto it & when we leave her, to put it back in the bed with her, so she recognizes us by our body scent - since we weren't able to hold her and bond with her at that time. We keep this in her memory box & I love golding onto it because it was with her everday.

Day #13 - Signs. Anytime I see butterflies,I think Lauren is around me in spirit. Angels are so pretty to look at and are a great symbol to remind me of Lauren.

Day #14 - Community. I am part of the baby loss community. I have met so many great women that have been there to support me when I needed it. I don't like the way we met, but I'm thankful I found MEND & all the mommies I've grown to know.

Day #15 - Wave of Light. Left: last year - our candle w/ Lauren's bears she had with her in the NICU/ Right: This year we used the candle we made at the family weekend grief camp from this summer.

Day #16 - Release. This is a photo I took from this year's MEND Walk to Remember.

Day #17 - Birthday. This is a collage of a couple of photos that were taken from Lauren's 1st birthday.

Day #18 - Family Portrait. This was taken as part of my Maternity Portraits.

Day #19 - Project. I worked so hard on Lauren's scrapbook. There is still a few things I want to touch up on, but by her 1st birthday, I felt like it was mostly complete enough to show off and share with my family and friends. I feel so accomplished for getting so much of it done. Right now we have it displayed on our fireplace mantel.

Day #20 - Organization. I mentioned MEND for day 14: community, but it also doubles for this day. MEND provides so much support and so many resources to help you with your grief. I am part of their Facebook page and feel as that has helped me enormously. They also have monthly support groups, some in which your husbands can go to, or you can go to when your pregnant with your rainbow.