Quotes from "An Exaclt Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination"

I previously mentioned that I had started 2 books, one of them being An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. I finished this book a little over a week ago, but haven't had time to write about it. She experienced a stillbirth of her 1st son at 41 weeks and wrote a memoir about that pregnancy and the transition to her next pregnancy. I wasn't completely astonished by the book, as some others that told me about it. I did think it was interesting and overall a good read because of the honesty of her feelings and thoughts. I felt for her as I was reading and strangely have done some of the same things. Lauren wasn't stillborn, but I obviously related to the fact of loosing my child. There was a few things I wasn't fond of, or I couldn't see myself acting in that matter - like not taking any pictures of my child. I do not want to give too many details because I do not want to give away the whole story. I did put a few sicky notes next to several quotes that described my feelings to the T. I am going to share them below:

"Babies born to mothers who'd been pregnant at the same time as me hurt a little. I didn't mind hearing about them, but I didn't want to meet them. That puzzled me since it wasn't logical, and even in mourning I liked to think I was logical, but it was an unhappiness that rose up in me....

Even now I have a hard time with the babies born to friends around Pudding's birth. It is not logical, and yet there it is: this one is one month older, this one is three weeks younger. But mostly I just missed my own child."

"That is one of the strangest side effects of the whole story. I am that thing worse than a cautionary tale: I am a horror story, an example of something terrible going wrong when you least expect it, and for no good reason, a story to be kept from pregnant women, a story so grim and lessonless it's better not to think about it at all."

"I don't even know what I would have wanted someone to say. Not: It will be better. Not: You don't think you'll live through this, but you will. Maybe: Tomorrow you will spontaneously combust. Tomorrow, finally, your misery will turn to wax and heat and you will burn and melt till nothing is left in your chair but a greasy, childless smudge. That might have comforted me."

"After most deaths, I imagine, the awfulness lies in how everything's changed: you no longer recognize the form of your days. There's a hole. It's person-shaped and it follows you everywhere, to bed, to the dinner table, in the car.

For us what was killing was how nothing had changed. We'd been waiting to be transformed, and now here we were, back in our old life."

"All I can say is, it's a sort of kinship, as though there is a family tree of grief. On this branch the lost children, in this the suicided parents, here the beloved mentally ill siblings. When something terrible happens, you discover all of a sudden that you have a new set of relatives, people with whom you can speak in the shorthand of cousins.

Twice now I have heard the story of someone who knows someone who's had a stillborn child since Pudding has died, and it's all I can do no to book a flight immediately, to show up somewhere I'm not wanted, just sothat I can say, It happened to me, too, because it meant so much to me to hear it. It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This does not have to be a secret.

That's how it works. When a baby dies, other dead children become suddenly visable: Daughters and sons. First cousins. The neighbor kid. The first child. The last child. Your older brother. Some of their names have been forgoten; some never had names in the first place. They disappered under heaps of advice. Don't dwell. Have another child, a makeup baby. Life is for the living. But then another baby dies, and here they are again, in stories, and you will love them all, and-if you are a mother of a dead child yourself-they will keep coming to you. A couple I know just lost their baby. And you will know that your lost child has appeared somewhere else in the world. I know a couple..."

That last one seems like I quoted the whole book :) anyways, I would recommend it.

Till next time. <3

"A Storm is Coming" - My Storm is here

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure." I am missing Lauren so much right now, I am glad I have a therapy session set up for tomorrow. I am interested how this will work, but glad that my supportive hubby is going with me. <3

I want to share a story someone showed me a while back from another blog. It is from Baron Batch, who is a football player. His blog is http://baronbatch.blogspot.com/.

The story is really nice, and makes me think alot. My storm is here, drowning me. Each and every day I am fighting for air, fighting to survive this storm. Someday we will make it through this storm. I borrowed his story and it is below.  

A Storm is Coming

"On a deserted island my thoughts and I sit, with a small coffee table in the middle of a forked trail with two paths. There is a kettle of coffee in the middle of the rickety warped wooden table where 3 coffee mugs sit in-front of 3 old wooden chairs. Above the skies are filled with dark clouds. The smell of rain fills my nostrils and I can taste the saltiness of the air. A beach is near. I can hear the distant crashing of the waves and the wind is beginning to whip across my face. I can see the brilliant flashes of lightning jumping from earth to sky, dancing across the clouds while speaking in a thunderous voice that I cannot understand, but I know what it says.

From the skies the lightning speaks with thunder distantly proclaiming.

“A storm is coming”

My thoughts and I sit at the rickety coffee table, just the three of us with only a kettle of coffee for separation. Across from me sit two beautiful women; actually the word beautiful doesn’t suffice, beautiful is an understatement. These women are mesmerizing, they are radiant, and they are hypnotic. They begin to introduce themselves to me. As the first begins to speak and extend her hand for an introduction she is interrupted by the second woman who shows a gleaming perfect smile and says, “ Hi Baron, my name is Doubt.”

Doubt is stunning. She has long red hair, and wears heavy makeup. Her eyes draw me in immediately almost as if she can peer into my soul and see my thoughts and fears. My heart begins to race as I can feel all of my anxieties and fears being drawn from my deepest depths to my surface. I begin to panic but can’t look away. She is too enticing.

I feel a gentle touch on my forearm and immediately my fears, worries and anxieties subside. I break away from Doubts gaze and look to my right to see an outstretched hand. I grab hold and another woman introduces herself to me. “Hello Baron, I’m Faith”

Faith looks much different than Doubt but is just as gorgeous. Faith has long dark hair that flows over her shoulders. She wears a white dress and cowboy boots. She has glasses and doesn’t wear makeup because she has nothing to hide; her skin is flawless. Her eyes are calming but her touch is what is indescribable. There is nothing like touching Faith.

As I sit with Doubt, and Faith at the tiny wooden, rickety, and warped table with only a coffee kettle in between us I ask, “Why am I here?”

Doubt sits down her coffee mug with her thick red lipstick stuck to it and swallows before speaking.

“Look around you. Can’t you see that a storm is coming?” She says.

“Yes I can see that”

“Well you have to choose who you are going to set sail with” Doubt hastily replied.

“Set sail?” I ask?

“Yes set sail! The storm is coming and we have to hurry. If we set sail quick enough we can maneuver around the storm and escape this island, the path behind me leads to a safe place to depart and we can avoid the storm, but we have to hurry. You must decide quickly,” Doubt said with panic in her voice.

I begin to get nervous as I can see the colossal storm clouds moving closer to shore. I hear the increasing thunder and my heart begins to race.

I turn to Faith and ask, “Where does your path lead? Is it safe? Can we avoid the storm?”

Faith calmly replied “I cant tell you that, all I can assure you is that I can get you through the storm and to the beach on the other side”

As I sit at the rickety coffee table just my thoughts and I, the storm clouds begin to surround me. I can feel the rain starting to fall gently on my skin. I can hear the thunderclouds billowing their warning.

“A storm is coming”

I know I must make a decision and make one quickly if I want to survive this storm. I look across the table at Doubt and Faith and both of them reach out their hands. I close my eyes and grab onto Faiths hand. She holds mine tight as we get up from the tiny wooden table and walk down the path that was behind her chair.

As Faith calmly leads me down her path that leads to the ocean the rain begins to pour, and the thunder begins to roar crying out,

“A storm is coming, a storm is coming!”

While Faith and I walk hand in hand to the beach I ask “Where did Doubts path lead?”

“You’ll see.” She replied

Soon we emerge at the end of the path and I can see the ocean. I can also see the enormity of the storm. The storm stretches as far as I can see and I am terrified.

In my fear I turn back to run to Doubt. She said that knew how to avoid the storm. She said she knew a safe way of crossing. As I turn to go back I see the exit to another path that was not the one I came out of. On the exit of that path I see Doubt standing. Her makeup has washed off and she looked nothing like she did before. I call out to her over the roaring winds “You said you had a safer way! You said that we could avoid this storm.”

Doubt says nothing. She just stands at her exit glaring at me.

I turn back to Faith and cry out with tears in my eyes, “What do I do? I can’t face this storm.”

Faith says nothing. She only extends her hand. I run towards the ocean where she is standing by a small canoe. I look down with fear at the small canoe thinking “there is no way this will make it through this storm.”

The waves crash at our feet as Faith calmly says, “Get in and row, don’t stop until I tell you we are through the storm”

I’m terrified but I crawl into the tiny canoe with Faith. We begin to row. The waves toss us from left to right, and up and down but we keep rowing. The rain slaps our bodies but we keep rowing. The thunder proclaims from the clouds, “the storm is here!” But we keep rowing. My arms begin to tire, but we keep rowing.

We row for what seems like eternity and finally the rain slows, the waves calm and the thunder echoes behind us whispering, “The storm has passed.”

I turn to Faith exhausted from the journey and ask, “Why did Doubts path lead to the same place on the beach? I thought she said she could avoid the storm”

Faith simply shook her head and said “Storms aren’t sent so that we can avoid them or run from them.”

“Then why was that storm sent for me?” I asked.

“You’ll see.” Faith said.

As we keep rowing the storm calms more and more and we begin to approach another beach. On this beach I can see thousands of tiny dots, at first I can’t make out what they are but as we row closer I can see that they are people; thousands and thousands of people standing at the waters edge. As we get closer to shore I can see the seemingly endless amount of people standing in amazement watching us row out of the storm in the tiny canoe, just Faith and I.

I look at Faith and she smiles and says, “That’s why the storm was sent.”

“I don’t get it.” I tell her.

She says, “Do you see all those people? That storm was sent for them, but you are the one who had to sail through it. You are an overcomer. Because you are an overcomer your waters will rarely be calm. Because you are an overcomer your life will not be easy. Because you are an overcomer you will have to sail through storms simply so people can see that it’s possible. Because you are an overcomer you have no choice but to overcome.”

“Your storms are not for you. Your storms are not you own. “

Wednesday I will have surgery to fix my ACL. Since my season ending injury about a week ago I have realized that now more than ever I have to be strong. I have realized more and more that trials aren’t always to strengthen the person going through them, but more so to strengthen the people watching. Many times on the other side of the storm on the distant beach, there are people that will be in awe when they see you rowing out of the raging waters in your tiny canoe, with only Faith beside you.

My storms are not for me. My storms are not my own. I am an overcomer. "

Obviously, I do not have a torn ACL, but his short story made me realize that maybe I will be able to help just one person. It won't make this pain go away, but I hope that I can either show someone where they can find the support they need, or be it for them. I need to be strong. Strong for Brandon, Halley, Lauren, & Myself. I struggle daily, but I am trying.

Thankful

So I was in the process of crying my eyes out tonight, and I just had to get up to get a few things out. Today I feel as if I cried alot. It started by looking at the mail. I received an invitation to a Memorial Service for babies who have passed away in the NICU from the hospital Lauren was at. The card was angels in different colors that, of course, a young child had drawn, or made to look as though that was the case. It was emotional to me. After Lauren passed and they asked us to come to get her belongings, I couldn't get out of the car. It hurt to be so close to the building. Their event is going to be at the hospital. As soon as I read it, I immediately imagined how the hospital looked inside. How we went inside from 4 different entrances, how cold it was, how fast the elevators went. I remembered going to the second floor, getting off the elevator - to the left a little library, we would go to the right, but wouldn't stay straight, because that was for the PICU babies ( I had always hoped we would advance to that side), we would make another right, then a left, and say we were here to see Baby Autry.

Anyways, I cried. I was flooded with emotions. I had an anxiety attack, I think I want to go, but I don't know how I feel about stepping foot in that hospital again. This will probably be something I bring up to my therapist, yes, I made an appointment for this week. I feel like I am making huge steps. That is one thing I am thankful for. I am so thankful that I have a husband and daughter that have been there for me, that are hurting so badly themselves, but put that aside to care for me.

During the course of my pregnancy, I had several crappy people that I came across - personal and professional. I did, however, have a few that I will never forget, and I am truely thankful for and grateful to. The first would be Dr. T and his amazing team. They were never in a bad mood, always so friendly and helpful. I would walk in and they would greet us on 1st name basis, would sneak candy into our room just because they knew how much Brandon loved it and even though they knew he would raid their bowl for me before we left. They gave me the development status each visit, along with plenty of pictures and a couple of videos to take with us. They never onced rushed us out of the office. They always took their time, and never seemed to mind.
 
Next would be my main doc, Dr. C. She was amazing my entire pregnancy as well. The staff in the office I could really care less about, but she always made sure to see me. She and Brandon had an instant connection, since she graduated med school from LSU. She was always smiling and always helpful. I remember the first time she saw me after Lauren had passed, she gave me a huge hug, and Brandon as well. I felt as her feelings were sincere. She was also the person who recommended me to MEND and a few other support outlets.

There was 3 nurses in NICU that I will never forget:

Raye was one of Lauren's rotating nurses. She didn't mind to sneak information to Brandon's parents. She was young, nice, and sweet. She wasn't overly experienced, but I didn't mind. Her care for Lauren is what stood out to us. She helped me change my 1st diaper with Lauren.

Lauren- Lauren was my Lauren's last nurse. She had her for the night of July 1st at 7:00pm to 6:00am the next morning, July 2nd. We saw her that night of July 1st. She had no issue giving us the details of Lauren's new vent that she was on. She was moved to a new spot the night before. The night before when Monique was on duty. That night I left a wreck. But July 1st Lauren looked comfy, even with being a bigger machine. She had a new IV in, but didn't seem to mind. I remember Lauren, the nurse's face. I will never forget her. She was the one holding my Lauren as I ran into the NICU after being woken up at 4am. She was the one rocking my baby girl, holding her in her arms, crying, because Lauren had passed away. She was telling me how good Lauren was doing all night, how she couldn't believe it, that she had tried. I could tell she had been crying. The nurses around her had scattered. They were probably telling her not to feel that way, or maybe that she would get used to it as time passed. But I am thankful that we had a nurse so compassionate that night. She handed Lauren over to me, beautifully dressed, and led me to the rocking chair.

Monique- Monique was Lauren's permanent nurse. The first night we met her was the night she chose to be Lauren's permanent nurse, her primary. She once told us that she was unsure about it, not because of the special care Lauren required, but because she was only part time, and didn't know if that was fair to us. Monique was amazing. She always took extrodinary care of Lauren. Brandon & I had an immediate connection with her. We didn't mind not having another permanent nurse for Lauren, because we already had Monique. She was the 1st one to let me hold Lauren - for the 1st and only time while she was living. I connected with her even though she was pregnant, 5 months and I believe with a little boy. I knew that she was, more than likely, growing a beautiful healthy little boy inside her. Working in the NICU was probably hard enough on her, but she chose Lauren. She was there for me when I was a wreck. When I was completely broken down, especially June 30th when I watched her "bag" Lauren several times. She always explained anything and everything to us. When we had questions from any previous days, she was the one we went to. I remember her eyes, I remember how sad she looked because she felt my pain. She had grown attached and it hurt her too so see Lauren, Brandon, & I in such pain. Another nurse told Brandon, that they typically don't like picking to be a child's primary for that reason - they get attached. I have always wondered how Monique reacted to hearing the news about Lauren. If she cried, if she didn't. I always wanted to say thank you to her too, because even though Lauren was considered difficult to deal with, she told me she felt as if she could handle her, I knew she cared, even if they weren't supposed to...

I never got to say Thank You to anyone that was mentioned, except Dr. C, because I have not seen them since my pregnancy or during Lauren's hospital stay. I hope they do know I am thankful for them though, even though I coould not express that to them myself. Maybe one day I will get the chance.

One member from the MEND group said that she trys to do this daily. Think of what she is thankful for, even though she is in so much pain. Being that I just dove into my thankfullness a little bit, I do feel a little better. Like earlier when I was upset about my anxiety to go to the hospital, I worked on Lauren's scrapbook, opened her memory box, felt her clothes she was wearing July 2nd, and looked at her tiny box of belongings, and even though I have my pain, I felt my joy again. My joy to have had her, the joy to have seen her, touched her, kissed her. I wish I had more of those times, I will probably never stop wishing that, but I am thankful that I got to meet my little one and see her beautiful face - and that, I will never forget. <3

Special occasions hurt without her

September 20th was Halley's 7th birthday.  This was a difficult day for me. I just feel so lucky to be able to see Halley grow each day. It is an amazing thing. But I was also hurt by the fact that I am not able to do this with Lauren. There has been several holidays and birthdays since Lauren passed away, the three worst ones being:

July 4th - This was 2 days after she passed. I was misserable, hurt, crying every single minute and I did not want to celebrate, but we knew we couldn't just pass it up, because then it wouldn't be fair to Halley. We had an adorable outfit picked out for Lauren, and I was hoping that if she was in the hospital, they might let me put it on her for a quick picture. I would have spent my night with her looking out the window, explaining how beautiful July 4th can be. The outfit is hanging in her closet, and I never got the chance.

July 6th: Brandon's birthday - This was still just a few days from when we lost her. It must have been hard enough on him on Father's day, he wasn't even able to hold Lauren. I knew it was enough for him just seeing her though. On his birthday it was hard for me as well. He wasn't really set on doing much or inviting anyone, but we went to dinner. I think this was the 1st day I had put on makeup or combed my hair that week.

July 8th - This was not a Holiday by any means but I did want to mention it. This day was my original due date, before we knew anything was wrong. This day is the day we had Lauren's funeral service.

and recently, September 20th: Halley's birthday - I cried. I couldn't help it. I went to work that day so I cried on the way home to get her. I had the emotions of feeling so lucky and so hurt at the same time. I sucked it up and we made it a good day for her. We went to the mall to shop, Ihop for dinner, and finished the night off with some cookie cake and the season premiere of Glee. It was a really good day for her. That night, I cried. And cried, then cried some more.

On the 18th we had Halley's party and she got a new build-a-bear. Halley built one for Lauren while she was still in the hospital and when we had to bring it home, she made sure she had possession of it and got to sleep with it everynight. Sunday, I took it back. I resisted for a long time, but I have been aching for it. Hope is the name of Lauren's build-a-bear bunny. It has a little sound button in her hand and when you press it, it says "I Love You, I Love You". Each time I hear it, it breaks my heart.. but I love hearing it at the same time.. It is a confusing feeling. Brandon tends to press it because he likes to hear it. I just dont want it to stop saying that noise, I would flip out if it did.

Anyways, of course there has been several other holidays that have hurt..actually everyday hurts.. but, the pain is always much worse when it is an important day, a day I would be dressing her up in something so adorable, no one would be able to resist saying "awww".. or when the whole family gets together and I see their family is complete and mine isn't.

On another note, I heard this question for the 1st time since Lauren passed away - "How many children do you have?" It felt like a stab. Of course, I said 2. Then came the "how old" questions. UGHH I wanted to get up and walk away, but I was getting my nails done, and that was impossible at the moment. I think my friend knew how I felt because I only spoke about Halley's age and turned away. I really have no idea what to say when I am asked how old.. Is that when I am supposed to say "she passed away" I do not want to ever explain to complete strangers, my story is way to long and saying a short answer would not do her justice. I also am not strong enough to speak of her without crying.

There was something else I wanted to mention, but lost my train of thought. So, I shall be done for tonight.

Walking to Remember

So there are two local "walks" that Brandon, Halley, & I are going to attend. The 1st is through MEND and it is their annual Walk to Remember on October 1st in Irving, TX. The 2nd is through Landon's Loving Legacy on October 16th in Arlington, TX. Both should be beautiful ceremonies filled with a million different emotions.

Is it weird to say I am excited for this? I am excited to be able to feel free to think and speak about Lauren. To cry freely with no judgments or anyone wondering why?

I am not a mother that gets to experience all the milestones with Lauren.. her first steps, the first time she rolls over, the first time she smiles, or even holds her bottle. My memories and these events are all I have.. and I am choosing to cherish every moment of them so I am able to honor and remember her as much as I possibly can <3

Overwhelmed

So, as I recently posted, I gave my notice to my current employer. Well, I endedup getting a phone call regarding my resume that I sent to this company for employment. Their ad immediately caught my attention because it is in the same field as I am in now, but on the corporate side of it, which means a bigger job for me. Okay, so I have gone through every hoop they decided to put me through and I am almost sure that I got the job. Tomorrow is Monday, so I am thinking that is when I am going to hear back. When I was applying for the position, doing the phone interview, then the personality assesment, I was excited. I was glad that I was able to find another company interested in me. But then came the interview with 4 people, and then the next day with an additional 1. I still felt good after my interviews, because I think they were impressed and are definetly interested in me, however, I am now in a difficult position.

I hate my current job for so many reasons, but one of the main reasons, besides safety, frustrations, and my boss, is due to the resident's constantly asking me about Lauren because they are not aware she passed away. I am not strong enough, or willing enough to share her story with them. I am so emotionally damaged and I can admit this. I know this. I sometimes feel like I have out-of-body experiences where I can see how I am acting but other times I can just feel it in my heart and mind. And like I said before, I decided counseling would be best for me at the moment, so tomorrow I am for sure calling for an appointment. Anyways, I am now scared, confused, and just overall conflicted about wanting to take this position. Change is hard for me. Before I don't believe it was this complicated for me, I think I did okay embracing change. But as of July 2nd, I had to start changing the way I spoke about Lauren-Past tense instead of present, or I had to change the way I thought- that one day I would be bringing my little girl home from the NICU. I never wanted to get out of bed or speak to anyone, but I had to change those feelings. It is just so difficult for me, I can not say that enough I guess.

So back to the employment side of my life.... I just don't know how I will feel. I don't know yet what I will say when coworkers ask me about how many children I have.. How will I respond? What about if I am having a mental breakdown type of day and can't explain to them why, or they just think I am insane. My current coworkers get it.. I mean they have never experienced a child-type loss, but they are so understanding of my crazy mood swings. They love me. We have a great friendships and they have truely seen me in my low points. These are all new people, How am I going to cope? I am, of course, worried about the workload as well, but not as much as things like this.. something that others would not have coming across their minds when accepting a new job. Another thing is this job involves travel. I wasn't worried about it too much as first thought, but I am terrified of being away from Halley and Brandon. I have so much love for them and could not handle loosing them, knock-on wood, but seriously, that is a tremendous fear I have. I'm scared to not be able to see them everyday, like I am not able to do with Lauren anymore. When I used to think of travel, I thought of how scared I would be to get on a plane, not anymore. Next, What about when I get pregnant again. This subject is so touchy for me right now. I want to one minute and the next I am not ready. There is so many things to take into consideration for this to be accomplished, but what about if I would like this to happen sooner, rather than later? Would this fit into my work schedule? See this right here is what problem I had with Antigua. I dedicated myself to that place during the most difficult time in my life, and it made no difference, got me nowhere. I have always told myself that I would never put anything, including work, over my family.. and reflecting back.. I think that I didn't exactly put work first, but I exhausted myself for nothing. It angers me.

In Summary, (like how I used that phrase? I think I learned we could start off a paragragh like that in the 3rd grade) I am overwhelmed with emotions. I do not know left from right, black from white.. whatever a good anology may be. Basically, I am lost, sad, angry, depressed, hurt, confused, conflicted, the list could go on.

I am hoping to attend a therapy session this next week and maybe once I start going, I will get a little relief from all of these overbearing emotions. Because, I also I have to figure out what to tell Halley's school. Ugh. I am so heartbroken by the fact that Halley has to endure this type of pain from loosing a sibling at such a young age. We had a little talk the other day, and she mentioned to me, that she was telling her classmates, teachers - current and past, and administrators that Lauren was doing "okay", "fine", "good", and that "she even gets to hold her sometimes". WHAT DO I DO?? Seriously? First off, I am not angry. Heck, I play along with the residents, but look where that has gotten me. I don't want Halley to feel awkward or hurt to speak about Lauren's death, but how do I help her understand that we need to stop this? I told her we need to tell her teacher the truth, which I think I will send an email - because I will be horrified if I went into a parent-teacher conference and she asked me about Lauren. So I hope I can muster up the strength to get that accomplished. I also told her it was okay to say that she did not want to speak about loosing her if she did not want to. It is hard for Halley because she is so proud to be a big sister and wants to let everyone know, but she feels awkward saying that she died.

I decided that I want individual counseling, then family and couple counseling. Not because we are falling apart as a family, but to make us stronger. To help us cope and get our strengths back eventually. I am just so lost.. as a Mother, a Wife, a Friend, and as a Person, and I hope that one day I can find the way back to myself.

Oh, and sorry that my posts are all over the place. It is hard to get started, but then when I do start, all the thoughts and emotions just start pouring out and they not always in an organized manner. And I intend to finish Lauren's story sometime in the near future. Sometimes I feel as if I am that "Little Engine That Could.. I think I can, I think I can", and then I roll back down the tracks.. So when I start thinking I can again, I will finish it. And lastly, I just want to mention that I started reading 2 books: Heaven Is For Real, and An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination. As I go, I will probably give a little insight or reviews on them. Goodnight.

Reflecting

Okay, So I know I am mid-story but I wanted to take a few minutes to write a post about several recent events.

Firstly, I hit my breaking point at work. I have spent the last 11 months here, at this hell hole of a property, working my butt off every single day. I worked here through-out my entire pregnancy, through the ups and downs that came from that, while Lauren was in the hospital, and came back only 2 weeks after loosing her because they seemed to not be able to function without me. But, does this mean anything to them? Absolutely NOT. This past 11 months have been the hardest of my life. Something I never expected would have happened. But even after all the hardwork I have put in, not only these past 11 months, I have worked for my employer for 3 1/2 years, It seems like I am just someone who has a normal life- as if nothing tramatic has happened to me and have only worked for him for a week. I am tired of the stress and frustration I have because of being here. It is way to much on me considering I am still grieving. So last week he asked me how I felt... Well, I broke down, crying and all.. and told him I wanted to leave. I hated every minute that I have been here and just cannot do it anymore. He has no trust or faith for his employees, does not care about their dedication, does not give appreciation... and I am done. I formally gave him my written notice this past Sunday, So my last day is September 25th. As much as I do not want to find another job, and want to lay and sulk in my bed all day, I need to help provide for my family, So the job-hunt is on!

Also, I mentioned before in a previous post, that I was a part of some support groups. Well, I attended my first face to face group last week on September 8th. I felt so comforted. Believe me, It was so hard for me to get out of my car.. you can ask my husband and the friends I was texting. They convinced me it is the first step. I know I have been needing help for a long time. It is a daily struggle for me. And it was awkward walking in and seeing everyone sitting at the tables, and having to fill out a form because I was one of the new families there. I, of course, cried while there... I could hardly get through my introduction..but once it got going.. hearing the other women talk, I felt comforted. At this meeting several things were discussed. It was open to whoever wanted to start a discussion and everyone could just join in and openly talk. Then it went from one subject to another. There was women there that were 16, 4, and 3 years out from their loss. They seemed so strong and still sad at the same time. It finally clicked that the saying was true.. I have heard time and time again that losing Lauren is something I will never forget and she will always stay with me.. but over time, coping may get easier. They mentioned something that I thought was so amazing - which was I need to learn to seperate Lauren as a person, from the experience of loosing her. That way, I can look at her pictures and smile, laugh, and talk about her without such pain and agony. I have been trying to focus on that lately. Today is Day #74 since we lost Lauren. There is not a day that goes by that I don't open my locket a million times to look at her picture, or think about her eyes, hands, skin. But each day it still hurts. Of Course, I wish I still had her in my arms, but the reality is I don't. So I need to learn how to survive and make it through so I am able to still have a relationship with Brandon and Halley and I do not cause them to suffer more because of my actions. I decided to go to therapy and try to work though all my pain and emotions. I ask my support group for recommendations and got a few, so I am going to call and set up an appointment. I will keep you posted on how that goes.

Also, we got a new puppy.. Around labor day. The house was too quiet for me. I needed something to do with my time so I am just not so idle where I can be depressed with my thoughts. We got a little english bulldog and his name is Tyson. Now, Peter has someone to play with, and I have something to occupy my time. It is a win-win. There is no way that I am saying that a dog is taking Lauren's place, because I am not able to care for her.. but I have empty arms and a silent house... so I needed something to cope with. Instead, of rushing to make a decision like have another child for my own selfish needs.. which wouldn't be easy for us to do, or a good reason to have a child so that he/she can live in the shadow of Lauren, and that would probably cause me to have more emotional problems because it is too soon anyways, we decided a puppy might just help me a little bit. So far, It is working. I have been wanting an english bulldog for a couple of years now, and I am a sucker for little puppies - heck I saw one today while I was driving and if I wasn't in such a busy area, I would have pulled over and picked it up! 

Okay, Well I guess I should get off the internet and do a little work while I am still here... 11 days and counting.

Lauren's Story - The Beginning

On November 4, 2010 I came home from work and took a pregnancy test. I had one under my bathroom sink because we had bought a few in the past. I look down and it has that little plus sign. I was in shock! I couldn't believe it. Brandon and I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years and I am finally looking at a test that was telling me it is finally happening! I called my sisters and felt like it was a dream. This was something I was wanting for so long. I decided to take another test because I was scared I was getting too excited and it turn out to be a misreading or something. The second test came out positive. I called my husband, since he was still at work, and he was estatic. Brandon is such an amazing dad already with Halley but he definetely was wanting a child of his own. I quickly made an appointment with a new doctors office, since the one I went to when I was pregnant with Halley was in Irving and I didn't want to have to drive far from work if I had appointments mid-day. On December 22, 2010 I had my first sonogram. It was amazing. I cried yet again, I was crying all the time because I was so happy. I was so happy that things were good. My pregnancy with Halley was extremely difficult being that I was only 14 when I conceived with her. Anyways, That day was perfect. I remember walking into the small room with Halley and Brandon and seeing our little baby on the screen. The sonogram technichian was so friendly and made us pictures with captions saying "Hi mommy and daddy" and "Hi Halley".

Everyday we grew with more excitement. I was eating more, getting more cranky, and could hardly move because I wanted to be asleep or laying down every second I could. I continued with my doctor appointments and finally she gave us the date of the very imporant sonogram to find out the sex! March 9, 2011 was the day we were waiting for. It couldn't come fast enough. I walked into the doctor's office with Brandon, Halley, Ruth, and Utah (Brandon's parents). This was going to be their 1st non-step-child and they were overjoyed. I really don't even think I am using enough "happy" adjectives to describe our emotions. Okay we pile into the room and once again saw our baby on the screen. We saw the heart, brain, cord, hands, feet, and then... Baby Girl :D. Another little girl for me. I, of course,  cried again and think I even saw Brandon wipe away a few tears. <3 We leave the doctors office and Halley couldn't wait to go shopping. We went to Babies R Us and picked our her crib bedding and a few adorable summer outfits (I was due July 8th).

The next day I went to work as normal. Then my phone rang and the screen showed it was my doctor's office. It didn't seem to odd to me, so I answered. It was my nurse. She told me that the sonogram tech was a little worried about our little girl's legs. She said the doctor was shown the pictures and she wants me to see a specialist the following week. They had already made the appointment. My heart dropped, but the nurse said not to worry it may be something minor like her having bowed legs, or it could be that she had a fracture or her legs stopped growing and that we wouldn't know until we met with the specialist. Their equipment was like a Mercedes Benz to their Ford or something like that was the analogy she used. I then cried and became frantic. My family reassured me that it is probably nothing major and doctors usually like to take extra precautions.

On March 21, 2011 Brandon and I walked into a perinatologist office, Dr. G. Little did I know that walking into that office would haunt me for the rest of my life. We were there for probably 3 hours. When we got into a room, a huge one compared to the one at my doctors office, we were smiling and having a good coversation. This time we had a male sonogram technician. He was nice. He slowly went over her head, brain, heart, counted her fingers, then moved onto her legs and got quiet. And when I mean quiet, I mean silent. He did not say a word for the next 20 minutes that he was taking pictures. He then stood up and told us the doctor would be in with us shortly. Well, about 45 minutes went by and no doctor came in. I looked at Brandon and told him I knew something was wrong, something just wasn't right. What was taking so long? I figured, okay she is bo-legged, so what!? That is fixable. We sat there, well I laid, and watched the light changing from under the door of people passing by until finally we heard a knock. Dr. G. came with no smile, no "hi, how are you". He came to me and said that he would like to take a quick look for himself. So on goes more of that cold gel they use and he looks for maybe a minute, if that and then gets up and walks to a counter where he lays my file. He then starts asking me if everything was okay with my 1st pregnancy. Finally, he stops and sits down next to me, looks me straight in the eye and says "Your daughter is going to die".

An Ugly Pair Of Shoes

This is a great poem that describes what feelings I was talking about the other day:

An Ugly Pair Of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some, have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some, have worn the shoes so long that days will go by,
before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.