Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Journey to Rainbow - Fertility Massages

Well hello again!

I swear I have been meaning to post - but it just has been getting away from me. I have so many things to write about, so I will be planning on posting more soon. This particular post is for a TTC update.

Just to get it out of the way, let me start by saying - I am still not pregnant.

So I have this friend/ coworker who also lost a child and was ttc for a good year and was unable to get pregnant. She went to this fertility massage therapist and in the first month got pregnant. Since then she sent multiple people there and they have gotten pregnant. My coworkers have tried to convince me for a year to go visit her, but I chose to go to my RE and try naturally instead.

Well recently, I have lost a large amount of weight - 87lbs. The whole purpose of me loosing weight was to regain my health and, of course, get pregnant. Even though I am not at my goal weight, I am so ready to be pregnant. I believe I can keep the weight off while pregnant this time.

So I started this cycle on June 16th. I went to the massage therapist on CD 8, June 23rd. I was massaged on the 23rd, 24th, and 25th. I then had to take pills from the last day of massages for the next 10 days. They were basically ovary care/ cleanse pills. We DTD and took the pills according to plan.

I made the mistake of getting my hopes high. I went in with doubt and told myself, it is worth a try, I mean I've tried everything else. Unfortunately, I did. I get bad pms symptoms so when they started, I knew I was out this month, but my coworkers are so dang excited for me and are convinced it worked. So this morning, I took a test at CD 28/ 11 DPO. Of course, it was negative. </3

Secretly, my heart broke. I did it to humor the because I just knew I wasn't, but I still couldn't help my hopefulness.  Sure, it could be too early to tell, but in my heart of hearts, I know I am out.

I should be starting my July cycle on Saturday, so we shall see what the future holds. I know everyone has been saying it will happen and I have gotten a lot of "signs" lately, but I am so, so, so beyond tired of waiting. The last few months we relaxed and did not focus so much on ttc due to my weightloss, but I so gung-ho (<-- is that a phrase?) about it this month.

Boooooooo to infertility struggles.

Until next time.... Baby dust to all. <3

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Halloween 2015

Halley and her friend decided to be Thing 1 & Thing 2 for Halloween. Aren't they the cutest?!

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Walk to Remember 2015

Yesterday was our 5th Walk to Remember. This year was a little different because we decided to volunteer to help with the planning and setup. All 3 of us wanted to volunteer and help make the walk something special for new families with recent losses because we know how much these walks helped us in the past. We were assigned to decorate the outside. Let me just say, we had no idea how much work the committee puts into this walk every single year, until we did some work ourselves. Overall is was a great experience for us and we hope to get to volunteer for it again in the future. 

Click this link to see more photos of the entire walk. - Walk to Remember 2015 Slideshow

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Journey to Rainbow - My only option left

As many of you know, we took a break from our RE since our Artificial inseminations were not working last year. We never stopped TTC naturally, but we knew the odds were not likely. 

In March, we still had not conceived, so we decided it was time to go back to the RE. 
I was put back on Femara for 5 days (days 3-7) and did Bravelle Injections for an additional 7-8 days.   I did not end up with multiple mature follicles and our SA post-washed #s were not good either. Londgstory short, we ended with another BFN. 

In April when I went back to the RE, I was told they did not want to do any more cycles with Inseminations with us anymore - IVF is our last option. 

Needless to say, I was devastated. I know the likeliness of us coming up with $13,000 is VERY unlikely. It has been a hard pill to swallow. We have still been ttc naturally but I have no positivity left. 

We are coming up on the 4 year mark of us TTC our rainbow and I feel like I am so drained. Negative after Negative, Doctor Appointments, Medications, Injections, More Negatives, Working with 3 complaining pregnant women daily, just ugh. Many people want to tell me, "well stop trying" but it is not that easy. It is not easy to not try. It is not easy to come to terms that something you and your family want so desperately will not happen. I know I am young. I know I have more years left to be able to conceive, and I know it could still happen one day. But I am tired of wanting and waiting. I wish I was fertile like so many other people I know. I guess you never really understand until you are in my shoes. 

Currently we are preparing to move from our home that we built. This is the same home we hoped to bring Lauren home to. It has been 4 years since she died and I still have not had the courage to take down her nursery. We never go into her room except maybe 2 times a year since. Today we started packing it and I just was overwhelmed with sadness. 

We had so many hopes and dreams. This room symbolizes everything we have wanted and everything we have been waiting for the past 6 years for. Taking the room apart and packing is just so devastating. We are keeping all of our nursery furniture and truthfully, it makes me feel like a crazy person. I feel like I am just holding on to these belongings for a future child that I have no idea if I will ever have. How hard is it going to be on us in 5 more years when we still have not conceived and still have baby furniture, diapers, and clothes? My husband sees everything as Lauren's and cannot let go of anything either. I guess we will deal with all of that in the future. Is it weird that I am already dreading that?

Anyways, I figured it was time to update our journey for the few that follow this. I am hoping to start a weight loss journey so in the future that will give us better chances of conceiving. Then hopefully one day we will be able to afford IVF. Only time will tell, but I will keep updating. 

To recap our journey so far for our Rainbow:

{September 2011 - September 2013} 25 Cycles (TTC Naturally)
{October 2013 - November 2013} 2 Cycles (2 Rounds of Clomid + Ovidrel)
{December 2013 - February 2014} 3 Cycles (TTC Naturally)
{March 2014 - April 2014} 2 Cycles (2 Rounds of Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel + IUI)
{May 2014 - February 2015} 10 Cycles (TTC Naturally)
{March 2015} 1 Cycle (Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel + IUI)
{April 2015 - June 2015} 3 Cycles (TTC Naturally)

July 2015 will be Cycle #47 - has yet to begin but of course it will be naturally. :)

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Friday, June 19, 2015

Father's Day 2015

Since Halley won't be with us on Sunday, Brandon got his Father's Day gifts today! 😍😍 I think it is super adorable! The box says "dad's tackle box" and has various gummy worms, sour worms, gummy fish, etc. <3

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Lauren's 4th Birthday

I can't believe my baby would be 4 years old. </3
This year we had a small get together on Lauren's birthday by her grave. 
I chose Frozen as her theme because Halley loves Frozen and my nephews who are around Lauren's age love it as well. I think it was perfect for a 4 year old birthday theme. 

We sang to her, had a little cake, and did a balloon release for her. 

I seriously couldn't have more love for my family at times like this. I always feel like they won't want to get together with us or it is asking too much for them to go out of their way to meet and celebrate with us. Every time, they always come through. They are always there for us. They always remind me that they love and miss Lauren just as much. I don't think I could make it through her birthday (and everyday) without them.

Here are some pictures. <3