One Sweet Day

One Sweet Day

By: Nicole Rodriguez

One sweet day

I will see your beautiful face

One Sweet day

I will feel your embrace

One sweet day

I will again get to touch & kiss your face

One sweet day

I will hear you say my name

One sweet day

We will be in the same place

But until that sweet day

Your love and memories will remain

Each and everyday

This was written by my sister, Nicole for my mother who passed away a little over 3 years ago. I miss her so much everyday. I hope that in heaven Mom and Lauren are together. I imagine my mom rocking Lauren and singing her a little song, like I remember her doing to all her grandkids when they were younger. This poem expresses what I truely hope for in the future. <3

Support

I don't really know who I am writing to other than myself, so this is like me thinking out loud, but should anyone read this, I hope that something may help. So just in case of that, I thought I would mention 2 websites that have been extremely helpful to me during this time.

First: There is a local group for DFW called MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death). They have monthly support group meetings, a website with alot of helpful information, and a group on Facebook. I have them added on Facebook and I read it daily. I haven't brought myself to start posting yet, but I am going to be starting. I like to read the posts too. The ladies there are going through or have been through what I am going through now. People post daily about how they feel, to vent, or to just ask questions. No one judges you, and you are guaranteed to not be feeling any different than everyone else in that group. I haven't been able to attend meetings yet but I am going to try starting this month.. I am not really sure what to expect, but from everyone else, they seem to think it is extremely helpful. (I do know I few more support groups that I have looked up if anyone would like the names of any other ones, but this one is the most helpful for me)

Second: Babycenter. Sure it can be frustating to be a part of this online group because if you are like me, you added your pregnancy to your account and you got monthly emails about the development of your baby and after your due date they start sending updates about what developments you should be seeing your live baby doing. Well.. After Lauren passed away, I had to go in and change the settings so I would not get those anymore. I still get the updates for Halley (I have had it since I was pregnant with her). So I did a little bit of searching and babycenter has a good amount of grief groups. I am part of: Misscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Support being the the main one that I check, as well as: Bereaved Parents, Carrying Pregnancy Despite Poor or Fatal Prenatal Diagnosis, Perinatal Stillbirth & Infant Loss, Pregnancy After Loss, and TTC After a Stillbirth/Neonatal/Infant Loss.

I don't check them all daily, but I keep them available to me. It is important because sometimes I really have no one to talk to. Sometimes I feel as no one knows how I feel and I am all alone. When I feel this way, I go and read some posts. As horrible as it is to endure something like losing a child and it is hurtful to me that there is so many people that have gone through this, it is comforting to know that someone out there knows how I feel. I have plenty of friends and family that tell me "I'm here for you", "If you ever need to talk", "How are you feeling", etc. but it isn't the same talking to them. I feel like I am bringing them down. No one wants to talk about a baby dieing or the feelings that come with it. That is so sad to everyone. I hate walking into a room and seeing everyone's faces change, I hate that sometimes when we talk about Lauren, people can only stand it for a few minutes and change the subject. But it is sad to me, it was my child that died, and I don't want to not ever mention her or have to watch what I say around others because it may make them feel awkward, so that's why I have the groups. I know my friends and family would listen to me if I really wanted or needed them to, so I am glad I have them during this time, but I just don't feel like they understand where I am coming from. Maybe it is just my state of mind right now and maybe that will change in the future.

Every Day, A Struggle

Just as I have written it, it is so true. Everyday is really just that. Nothing is simple anymore, nothing is the same. Every morning I wake up and do not want to move. I lay there and constantly snooze the alarm just to have a few more minutes... not so much because I want to catch a few more minutes of sleep, but to catch a few more breaths. I lay there always wanting to cry, always wanting to hear some bit of noise coming from a baby monitor that should be sitting on my nightstand... but I never hear it. So eventually I get up. On the ride to work, I constantly think about how much I do not want to be going there right now. Most mornings I cry on the way there. I hate work, there is not much more i can say about it other than that. Especially because none of the residents there know what about Lauren so every single day I have people asking me about her, how she is doing, why I havent been showing pictures, and so on. I can't tell them. Sometimes I think it is because I don't want to believe it, but really it is because of 2 reasons. Firstly, I dont want them to use it against me when they are angry..they get angry alot, and when people are angry, they can be hurtful. Secondly, I can't bring myself to say the words. I don't want to see their expressions, I don't want to hear the "I'm Sorrys" or the questions about why. I don't want to spend so much time there showing those people my pain. Instead, I let them ask me and every single time it feels like I am being stabbed in the heart. I have to hurry and turn away or get myself busy with something else or I will just break down.

On the way home, I cry. And I don't mean every single day, some days I don't, but the good majority of the time I do. Sometimes it is a song that triggers it, and others it is just my own thoughts. When I get home, usually it is tough. I love walking in the door and hugging and kissing Brandon and Halley. I love seeing their smiling faces. But sometimes I am just not There, if that makes any sense at all. Sometimes I cannot cry anymore and all I can do is be quiet. Sometimes I just dont want to eat dinner at the table and talk about our day and all I want to do is lay down and stare at the wall.

You know, I have been trying. I have really been putting in an effort to "heal" quicker for my family. I hate leaving the house, I don't really like going out with anyone or talking with anyone. I would rather just spend all my time with Halley and Brandon. But secluding myself from everyone is apparantly not healthy.. even though I wasn't the type to go out all the time before all of this happened. I have been trying to not cry every minute of every day or complain about how I dont want to go somewhere or be where I am at. But no matter how hard I try, I cry at night. I think it is because it is the only time I don't have to put a fake smile on for everyone around me. I can act out how I am truely feeling. I never sleep..Literally never, You can ask my husband. Even when he is passed out and there is silence in the house and it is completely dark, I just lay my head on my pillow and stare at the walls. It is the silence that hurts so much. Every single night I cry myself to sleep... usually it takes hours. But my husband always turns and holds me tight. I love him so much, he is always there for me. He doesn't tell me I need to stop, he doesn't tell me I am crazy. He lets me have my moment and just lets me know he feels the same as I do.

Yesterday, Halley told me that every morning she looks up and says Good Morning to Lauren and tells her that she loves her, and every night before she goes to sleep she says Good Night to Lauren and she loves her. Almost everyday she draws her pictures. Sometimes she talks about the "what ifs" like if Lauren was still with us.

 

 

When she told me this, it made me realize I am not alone. Lately, I have been feeling this way but she let me know I was wrong. I know Brandon and Halley are as hurting as much as I am. They have so much strength and probably because they both know I need it. I know that we will continue to visit Lauren, think and talk about her daily, remember her beautiful face, the amazing time we got to spend with her, and always remain as a family. Every day is a struggle, but one I can make it through with them. <3

My Butterfly

My Butterfly

By: Kimberly De Montbrun

I long to feel the soft weight of you
to welcome you home, with kisses
on silky round cheeks.

Instead my arms ache with the
weight of your absence,
the empty places that were meant for you
to grow into.

My love for you will last an eternity.
My hopes and dreams now carried
on the fragile wings of each butterfly passing
compelling me to pause,
to savor each moment,

each flutter in my heart,
your wings.