Support

I don't really know who I am writing to other than myself, so this is like me thinking out loud, but should anyone read this, I hope that something may help. So just in case of that, I thought I would mention 2 websites that have been extremely helpful to me during this time.

First: There is a local group for DFW called MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death). They have monthly support group meetings, a website with alot of helpful information, and a group on Facebook. I have them added on Facebook and I read it daily. I haven't brought myself to start posting yet, but I am going to be starting. I like to read the posts too. The ladies there are going through or have been through what I am going through now. People post daily about how they feel, to vent, or to just ask questions. No one judges you, and you are guaranteed to not be feeling any different than everyone else in that group. I haven't been able to attend meetings yet but I am going to try starting this month.. I am not really sure what to expect, but from everyone else, they seem to think it is extremely helpful. (I do know I few more support groups that I have looked up if anyone would like the names of any other ones, but this one is the most helpful for me)

Second: Babycenter. Sure it can be frustating to be a part of this online group because if you are like me, you added your pregnancy to your account and you got monthly emails about the development of your baby and after your due date they start sending updates about what developments you should be seeing your live baby doing. Well.. After Lauren passed away, I had to go in and change the settings so I would not get those anymore. I still get the updates for Halley (I have had it since I was pregnant with her). So I did a little bit of searching and babycenter has a good amount of grief groups. I am part of: Misscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Support being the the main one that I check, as well as: Bereaved Parents, Carrying Pregnancy Despite Poor or Fatal Prenatal Diagnosis, Perinatal Stillbirth & Infant Loss, Pregnancy After Loss, and TTC After a Stillbirth/Neonatal/Infant Loss.

I don't check them all daily, but I keep them available to me. It is important because sometimes I really have no one to talk to. Sometimes I feel as no one knows how I feel and I am all alone. When I feel this way, I go and read some posts. As horrible as it is to endure something like losing a child and it is hurtful to me that there is so many people that have gone through this, it is comforting to know that someone out there knows how I feel. I have plenty of friends and family that tell me "I'm here for you", "If you ever need to talk", "How are you feeling", etc. but it isn't the same talking to them. I feel like I am bringing them down. No one wants to talk about a baby dieing or the feelings that come with it. That is so sad to everyone. I hate walking into a room and seeing everyone's faces change, I hate that sometimes when we talk about Lauren, people can only stand it for a few minutes and change the subject. But it is sad to me, it was my child that died, and I don't want to not ever mention her or have to watch what I say around others because it may make them feel awkward, so that's why I have the groups. I know my friends and family would listen to me if I really wanted or needed them to, so I am glad I have them during this time, but I just don't feel like they understand where I am coming from. Maybe it is just my state of mind right now and maybe that will change in the future.