Just as I have written it, it is so true. Everyday is really just that. Nothing is simple anymore, nothing is the same. Every morning I wake up and do not want to move. I lay there and constantly snooze the alarm just to have a few more minutes... not so much because I want to catch a few more minutes of sleep, but to catch a few more breaths. I lay there always wanting to cry, always wanting to hear some bit of noise coming from a baby monitor that should be sitting on my nightstand... but I never hear it. So eventually I get up. On the ride to work, I constantly think about how much I do not want to be going there right now. Most mornings I cry on the way there. I hate work, there is not much more i can say about it other than that. Especially because none of the residents there know what about Lauren so every single day I have people asking me about her, how she is doing, why I havent been showing pictures, and so on. I can't tell them. Sometimes I think it is because I don't want to believe it, but really it is because of 2 reasons. Firstly, I dont want them to use it against me when they are angry..they get angry alot, and when people are angry, they can be hurtful. Secondly, I can't bring myself to say the words. I don't want to see their expressions, I don't want to hear the "I'm Sorrys" or the questions about why. I don't want to spend so much time there showing those people my pain. Instead, I let them ask me and every single time it feels like I am being stabbed in the heart. I have to hurry and turn away or get myself busy with something else or I will just break down.
On the way home, I cry. And I don't mean every single day, some days I don't, but the good majority of the time I do. Sometimes it is a song that triggers it, and others it is just my own thoughts. When I get home, usually it is tough. I love walking in the door and hugging and kissing Brandon and Halley. I love seeing their smiling faces. But sometimes I am just not There, if that makes any sense at all. Sometimes I cannot cry anymore and all I can do is be quiet. Sometimes I just dont want to eat dinner at the table and talk about our day and all I want to do is lay down and stare at the wall.
You know, I have been trying. I have really been putting in an effort to "heal" quicker for my family. I hate leaving the house, I don't really like going out with anyone or talking with anyone. I would rather just spend all my time with Halley and Brandon. But secluding myself from everyone is apparantly not healthy.. even though I wasn't the type to go out all the time before all of this happened. I have been trying to not cry every minute of every day or complain about how I dont want to go somewhere or be where I am at. But no matter how hard I try, I cry at night. I think it is because it is the only time I don't have to put a fake smile on for everyone around me. I can act out how I am truely feeling. I never sleep..Literally never, You can ask my husband. Even when he is passed out and there is silence in the house and it is completely dark, I just lay my head on my pillow and stare at the walls. It is the silence that hurts so much. Every single night I cry myself to sleep... usually it takes hours. But my husband always turns and holds me tight. I love him so much, he is always there for me. He doesn't tell me I need to stop, he doesn't tell me I am crazy. He lets me have my moment and just lets me know he feels the same as I do.
Yesterday, Halley told me that every morning she looks up and says Good Morning to Lauren and tells her that she loves her, and every night before she goes to sleep she says Good Night to Lauren and she loves her. Almost everyday she draws her pictures. Sometimes she talks about the "what ifs" like if Lauren was still with us.
When she told me this, it made me realize I am not alone. Lately, I have been feeling this way but she let me know I was wrong. I know Brandon and Halley are as hurting as much as I am. They have so much strength and probably because they both know I need it. I know that we will continue to visit Lauren, think and talk about her daily, remember her beautiful face, the amazing time we got to spend with her, and always remain as a family. Every day is a struggle, but one I can make it through with them. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment