July 4th - This was 2 days after she passed. I was misserable, hurt, crying every single minute and I did not want to celebrate, but we knew we couldn't just pass it up, because then it wouldn't be fair to Halley. We had an adorable outfit picked out for Lauren, and I was hoping that if she was in the hospital, they might let me put it on her for a quick picture. I would have spent my night with her looking out the window, explaining how beautiful July 4th can be. The outfit is hanging in her closet, and I never got the chance.
July 6th: Brandon's birthday - This was still just a few days from when we lost her. It must have been hard enough on him on Father's day, he wasn't even able to hold Lauren. I knew it was enough for him just seeing her though. On his birthday it was hard for me as well. He wasn't really set on doing much or inviting anyone, but we went to dinner. I think this was the 1st day I had put on makeup or combed my hair that week.
July 8th - This was not a Holiday by any means but I did want to mention it. This day was my original due date, before we knew anything was wrong. This day is the day we had Lauren's funeral service.
and recently, September 20th: Halley's birthday - I cried. I couldn't help it. I went to work that day so I cried on the way home to get her. I had the emotions of feeling so lucky and so hurt at the same time. I sucked it up and we made it a good day for her. We went to the mall to shop, Ihop for dinner, and finished the night off with some cookie cake and the season premiere of Glee. It was a really good day for her. That night, I cried. And cried, then cried some more.
On the 18th we had Halley's party and she got a new build-a-bear. Halley built one for Lauren while she was still in the hospital and when we had to bring it home, she made sure she had possession of it and got to sleep with it everynight. Sunday, I took it back. I resisted for a long time, but I have been aching for it. Hope is the name of Lauren's build-a-bear bunny. It has a little sound button in her hand and when you press it, it says "I Love You, I Love You". Each time I hear it, it breaks my heart.. but I love hearing it at the same time.. It is a confusing feeling. Brandon tends to press it because he likes to hear it. I just dont want it to stop saying that noise, I would flip out if it did.
Anyways, of course there has been several other holidays that have hurt..actually everyday hurts.. but, the pain is always much worse when it is an important day, a day I would be dressing her up in something so adorable, no one would be able to resist saying "awww".. or when the whole family gets together and I see their family is complete and mine isn't.
On another note, I heard this question for the 1st time since Lauren passed away - "How many children do you have?" It felt like a stab. Of course, I said 2. Then came the "how old" questions. UGHH I wanted to get up and walk away, but I was getting my nails done, and that was impossible at the moment. I think my friend knew how I felt because I only spoke about Halley's age and turned away. I really have no idea what to say when I am asked how old.. Is that when I am supposed to say "she passed away" I do not want to ever explain to complete strangers, my story is way to long and saying a short answer would not do her justice. I also am not strong enough to speak of her without crying.
There was something else I wanted to mention, but lost my train of thought. So, I shall be done for tonight.
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