Thankful

So I was in the process of crying my eyes out tonight, and I just had to get up to get a few things out. Today I feel as if I cried alot. It started by looking at the mail. I received an invitation to a Memorial Service for babies who have passed away in the NICU from the hospital Lauren was at. The card was angels in different colors that, of course, a young child had drawn, or made to look as though that was the case. It was emotional to me. After Lauren passed and they asked us to come to get her belongings, I couldn't get out of the car. It hurt to be so close to the building. Their event is going to be at the hospital. As soon as I read it, I immediately imagined how the hospital looked inside. How we went inside from 4 different entrances, how cold it was, how fast the elevators went. I remembered going to the second floor, getting off the elevator - to the left a little library, we would go to the right, but wouldn't stay straight, because that was for the PICU babies ( I had always hoped we would advance to that side), we would make another right, then a left, and say we were here to see Baby Autry.

Anyways, I cried. I was flooded with emotions. I had an anxiety attack, I think I want to go, but I don't know how I feel about stepping foot in that hospital again. This will probably be something I bring up to my therapist, yes, I made an appointment for this week. I feel like I am making huge steps. That is one thing I am thankful for. I am so thankful that I have a husband and daughter that have been there for me, that are hurting so badly themselves, but put that aside to care for me.

During the course of my pregnancy, I had several crappy people that I came across - personal and professional. I did, however, have a few that I will never forget, and I am truely thankful for and grateful to. The first would be Dr. T and his amazing team. They were never in a bad mood, always so friendly and helpful. I would walk in and they would greet us on 1st name basis, would sneak candy into our room just because they knew how much Brandon loved it and even though they knew he would raid their bowl for me before we left. They gave me the development status each visit, along with plenty of pictures and a couple of videos to take with us. They never onced rushed us out of the office. They always took their time, and never seemed to mind.
 
Next would be my main doc, Dr. C. She was amazing my entire pregnancy as well. The staff in the office I could really care less about, but she always made sure to see me. She and Brandon had an instant connection, since she graduated med school from LSU. She was always smiling and always helpful. I remember the first time she saw me after Lauren had passed, she gave me a huge hug, and Brandon as well. I felt as her feelings were sincere. She was also the person who recommended me to MEND and a few other support outlets.

There was 3 nurses in NICU that I will never forget:

Raye was one of Lauren's rotating nurses. She didn't mind to sneak information to Brandon's parents. She was young, nice, and sweet. She wasn't overly experienced, but I didn't mind. Her care for Lauren is what stood out to us. She helped me change my 1st diaper with Lauren.

Lauren- Lauren was my Lauren's last nurse. She had her for the night of July 1st at 7:00pm to 6:00am the next morning, July 2nd. We saw her that night of July 1st. She had no issue giving us the details of Lauren's new vent that she was on. She was moved to a new spot the night before. The night before when Monique was on duty. That night I left a wreck. But July 1st Lauren looked comfy, even with being a bigger machine. She had a new IV in, but didn't seem to mind. I remember Lauren, the nurse's face. I will never forget her. She was the one holding my Lauren as I ran into the NICU after being woken up at 4am. She was the one rocking my baby girl, holding her in her arms, crying, because Lauren had passed away. She was telling me how good Lauren was doing all night, how she couldn't believe it, that she had tried. I could tell she had been crying. The nurses around her had scattered. They were probably telling her not to feel that way, or maybe that she would get used to it as time passed. But I am thankful that we had a nurse so compassionate that night. She handed Lauren over to me, beautifully dressed, and led me to the rocking chair.

Monique- Monique was Lauren's permanent nurse. The first night we met her was the night she chose to be Lauren's permanent nurse, her primary. She once told us that she was unsure about it, not because of the special care Lauren required, but because she was only part time, and didn't know if that was fair to us. Monique was amazing. She always took extrodinary care of Lauren. Brandon & I had an immediate connection with her. We didn't mind not having another permanent nurse for Lauren, because we already had Monique. She was the 1st one to let me hold Lauren - for the 1st and only time while she was living. I connected with her even though she was pregnant, 5 months and I believe with a little boy. I knew that she was, more than likely, growing a beautiful healthy little boy inside her. Working in the NICU was probably hard enough on her, but she chose Lauren. She was there for me when I was a wreck. When I was completely broken down, especially June 30th when I watched her "bag" Lauren several times. She always explained anything and everything to us. When we had questions from any previous days, she was the one we went to. I remember her eyes, I remember how sad she looked because she felt my pain. She had grown attached and it hurt her too so see Lauren, Brandon, & I in such pain. Another nurse told Brandon, that they typically don't like picking to be a child's primary for that reason - they get attached. I have always wondered how Monique reacted to hearing the news about Lauren. If she cried, if she didn't. I always wanted to say thank you to her too, because even though Lauren was considered difficult to deal with, she told me she felt as if she could handle her, I knew she cared, even if they weren't supposed to...

I never got to say Thank You to anyone that was mentioned, except Dr. C, because I have not seen them since my pregnancy or during Lauren's hospital stay. I hope they do know I am thankful for them though, even though I coould not express that to them myself. Maybe one day I will get the chance.

One member from the MEND group said that she trys to do this daily. Think of what she is thankful for, even though she is in so much pain. Being that I just dove into my thankfullness a little bit, I do feel a little better. Like earlier when I was upset about my anxiety to go to the hospital, I worked on Lauren's scrapbook, opened her memory box, felt her clothes she was wearing July 2nd, and looked at her tiny box of belongings, and even though I have my pain, I felt my joy again. My joy to have had her, the joy to have seen her, touched her, kissed her. I wish I had more of those times, I will probably never stop wishing that, but I am thankful that I got to meet my little one and see her beautiful face - and that, I will never forget. <3