Reflecting

Okay, So I know I am mid-story but I wanted to take a few minutes to write a post about several recent events.

Firstly, I hit my breaking point at work. I have spent the last 11 months here, at this hell hole of a property, working my butt off every single day. I worked here through-out my entire pregnancy, through the ups and downs that came from that, while Lauren was in the hospital, and came back only 2 weeks after loosing her because they seemed to not be able to function without me. But, does this mean anything to them? Absolutely NOT. This past 11 months have been the hardest of my life. Something I never expected would have happened. But even after all the hardwork I have put in, not only these past 11 months, I have worked for my employer for 3 1/2 years, It seems like I am just someone who has a normal life- as if nothing tramatic has happened to me and have only worked for him for a week. I am tired of the stress and frustration I have because of being here. It is way to much on me considering I am still grieving. So last week he asked me how I felt... Well, I broke down, crying and all.. and told him I wanted to leave. I hated every minute that I have been here and just cannot do it anymore. He has no trust or faith for his employees, does not care about their dedication, does not give appreciation... and I am done. I formally gave him my written notice this past Sunday, So my last day is September 25th. As much as I do not want to find another job, and want to lay and sulk in my bed all day, I need to help provide for my family, So the job-hunt is on!

Also, I mentioned before in a previous post, that I was a part of some support groups. Well, I attended my first face to face group last week on September 8th. I felt so comforted. Believe me, It was so hard for me to get out of my car.. you can ask my husband and the friends I was texting. They convinced me it is the first step. I know I have been needing help for a long time. It is a daily struggle for me. And it was awkward walking in and seeing everyone sitting at the tables, and having to fill out a form because I was one of the new families there. I, of course, cried while there... I could hardly get through my introduction..but once it got going.. hearing the other women talk, I felt comforted. At this meeting several things were discussed. It was open to whoever wanted to start a discussion and everyone could just join in and openly talk. Then it went from one subject to another. There was women there that were 16, 4, and 3 years out from their loss. They seemed so strong and still sad at the same time. It finally clicked that the saying was true.. I have heard time and time again that losing Lauren is something I will never forget and she will always stay with me.. but over time, coping may get easier. They mentioned something that I thought was so amazing - which was I need to learn to seperate Lauren as a person, from the experience of loosing her. That way, I can look at her pictures and smile, laugh, and talk about her without such pain and agony. I have been trying to focus on that lately. Today is Day #74 since we lost Lauren. There is not a day that goes by that I don't open my locket a million times to look at her picture, or think about her eyes, hands, skin. But each day it still hurts. Of Course, I wish I still had her in my arms, but the reality is I don't. So I need to learn how to survive and make it through so I am able to still have a relationship with Brandon and Halley and I do not cause them to suffer more because of my actions. I decided to go to therapy and try to work though all my pain and emotions. I ask my support group for recommendations and got a few, so I am going to call and set up an appointment. I will keep you posted on how that goes.

Also, we got a new puppy.. Around labor day. The house was too quiet for me. I needed something to do with my time so I am just not so idle where I can be depressed with my thoughts. We got a little english bulldog and his name is Tyson. Now, Peter has someone to play with, and I have something to occupy my time. It is a win-win. There is no way that I am saying that a dog is taking Lauren's place, because I am not able to care for her.. but I have empty arms and a silent house... so I needed something to cope with. Instead, of rushing to make a decision like have another child for my own selfish needs.. which wouldn't be easy for us to do, or a good reason to have a child so that he/she can live in the shadow of Lauren, and that would probably cause me to have more emotional problems because it is too soon anyways, we decided a puppy might just help me a little bit. So far, It is working. I have been wanting an english bulldog for a couple of years now, and I am a sucker for little puppies - heck I saw one today while I was driving and if I wasn't in such a busy area, I would have pulled over and picked it up! 

Okay, Well I guess I should get off the internet and do a little work while I am still here... 11 days and counting.