Overwhelmed

So, as I recently posted, I gave my notice to my current employer. Well, I endedup getting a phone call regarding my resume that I sent to this company for employment. Their ad immediately caught my attention because it is in the same field as I am in now, but on the corporate side of it, which means a bigger job for me. Okay, so I have gone through every hoop they decided to put me through and I am almost sure that I got the job. Tomorrow is Monday, so I am thinking that is when I am going to hear back. When I was applying for the position, doing the phone interview, then the personality assesment, I was excited. I was glad that I was able to find another company interested in me. But then came the interview with 4 people, and then the next day with an additional 1. I still felt good after my interviews, because I think they were impressed and are definetly interested in me, however, I am now in a difficult position.

I hate my current job for so many reasons, but one of the main reasons, besides safety, frustrations, and my boss, is due to the resident's constantly asking me about Lauren because they are not aware she passed away. I am not strong enough, or willing enough to share her story with them. I am so emotionally damaged and I can admit this. I know this. I sometimes feel like I have out-of-body experiences where I can see how I am acting but other times I can just feel it in my heart and mind. And like I said before, I decided counseling would be best for me at the moment, so tomorrow I am for sure calling for an appointment. Anyways, I am now scared, confused, and just overall conflicted about wanting to take this position. Change is hard for me. Before I don't believe it was this complicated for me, I think I did okay embracing change. But as of July 2nd, I had to start changing the way I spoke about Lauren-Past tense instead of present, or I had to change the way I thought- that one day I would be bringing my little girl home from the NICU. I never wanted to get out of bed or speak to anyone, but I had to change those feelings. It is just so difficult for me, I can not say that enough I guess.

So back to the employment side of my life.... I just don't know how I will feel. I don't know yet what I will say when coworkers ask me about how many children I have.. How will I respond? What about if I am having a mental breakdown type of day and can't explain to them why, or they just think I am insane. My current coworkers get it.. I mean they have never experienced a child-type loss, but they are so understanding of my crazy mood swings. They love me. We have a great friendships and they have truely seen me in my low points. These are all new people, How am I going to cope? I am, of course, worried about the workload as well, but not as much as things like this.. something that others would not have coming across their minds when accepting a new job. Another thing is this job involves travel. I wasn't worried about it too much as first thought, but I am terrified of being away from Halley and Brandon. I have so much love for them and could not handle loosing them, knock-on wood, but seriously, that is a tremendous fear I have. I'm scared to not be able to see them everyday, like I am not able to do with Lauren anymore. When I used to think of travel, I thought of how scared I would be to get on a plane, not anymore. Next, What about when I get pregnant again. This subject is so touchy for me right now. I want to one minute and the next I am not ready. There is so many things to take into consideration for this to be accomplished, but what about if I would like this to happen sooner, rather than later? Would this fit into my work schedule? See this right here is what problem I had with Antigua. I dedicated myself to that place during the most difficult time in my life, and it made no difference, got me nowhere. I have always told myself that I would never put anything, including work, over my family.. and reflecting back.. I think that I didn't exactly put work first, but I exhausted myself for nothing. It angers me.

In Summary, (like how I used that phrase? I think I learned we could start off a paragragh like that in the 3rd grade) I am overwhelmed with emotions. I do not know left from right, black from white.. whatever a good anology may be. Basically, I am lost, sad, angry, depressed, hurt, confused, conflicted, the list could go on.

I am hoping to attend a therapy session this next week and maybe once I start going, I will get a little relief from all of these overbearing emotions. Because, I also I have to figure out what to tell Halley's school. Ugh. I am so heartbroken by the fact that Halley has to endure this type of pain from loosing a sibling at such a young age. We had a little talk the other day, and she mentioned to me, that she was telling her classmates, teachers - current and past, and administrators that Lauren was doing "okay", "fine", "good", and that "she even gets to hold her sometimes". WHAT DO I DO?? Seriously? First off, I am not angry. Heck, I play along with the residents, but look where that has gotten me. I don't want Halley to feel awkward or hurt to speak about Lauren's death, but how do I help her understand that we need to stop this? I told her we need to tell her teacher the truth, which I think I will send an email - because I will be horrified if I went into a parent-teacher conference and she asked me about Lauren. So I hope I can muster up the strength to get that accomplished. I also told her it was okay to say that she did not want to speak about loosing her if she did not want to. It is hard for Halley because she is so proud to be a big sister and wants to let everyone know, but she feels awkward saying that she died.

I decided that I want individual counseling, then family and couple counseling. Not because we are falling apart as a family, but to make us stronger. To help us cope and get our strengths back eventually. I am just so lost.. as a Mother, a Wife, a Friend, and as a Person, and I hope that one day I can find the way back to myself.

Oh, and sorry that my posts are all over the place. It is hard to get started, but then when I do start, all the thoughts and emotions just start pouring out and they not always in an organized manner. And I intend to finish Lauren's story sometime in the near future. Sometimes I feel as if I am that "Little Engine That Could.. I think I can, I think I can", and then I roll back down the tracks.. So when I start thinking I can again, I will finish it. And lastly, I just want to mention that I started reading 2 books: Heaven Is For Real, and An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination. As I go, I will probably give a little insight or reviews on them. Goodnight.