Peace

So tonight was MEND's 15th Annual Christmas Candlelight Ceremony. So beautiful. I cried through the entire thing. It is really hard for my to cry publicly, and even though I really want to most of the time, I don't. I really appreciate that MEND gives me somewhere to do so - to let everything out. There was beautiful music, plenty of prayers, and wonderful speeches. Rebekah, the founder of MEND, really struck something in me tonight. She spoke about how much grief hurts, mentally, emotionally, and physically. How each day is a struggle as I have mentioned so many times on here before. How some days you think you cannot make it through. But then she spoke about peace.

I haven't thought about peace since I lost Lauren. I had no idea what I was searching for. I mean I try to find Lauren in everything I see at stores or things that remind me of her daily, but I never gave any thought to what would put me at ease. Right now I usually just feel the pain and really make an effort to make it through each day, but when will things get better? When will I not have to try so hard to just not cry all day long, or cry anytime I'm around babies? I had NO clue what I have been needing. Then she said tonight that all the group meetings, events, books, blogs, online group discussions are all tools. They are extremely helpful for momentary relief of my heartache, but will never be a permanent.

Let me make it clear that I am not looking for a "fix". I don't want to forget everything I have gone through - I wouldn't take away the 37 weeks I carried her or the 2 beautiful weeks she was with us. Sure it KILLS me to walk by a closed door every night knowing that if I should open that door it is a baby wonderland of a nursery, but I wouldn't change the fact that I made one for her. I just do not want to cry and be in agonizing pain forever. Sometimes I have the ability to shout her name to the world, make sure everyone remembers her, look at the pictures we have of her and smile. Other times I sit and cry and cry and cry. That would actually account for 90% of the time.

Lately, the past few nights, I haven't been sleeping AGAIN. I have just been repeating "WHY ME, WHY US?". I hope that one day I will know why me, and be able to make a beautiful turn around and honor my baby girl in a way she would be proud of.

I need Peace. I need Closure. I need Acceptance. I am exhausted of wondering why. I am exhausted of being so depressed. Everyday I invision her in my arms, or how happy my family would be at this current moment. I am sure I will never get over the what ifs or the wonderings of it all, but I hope one day I  will find something that will mend my broken heart and mend the people around me.

Some people may say find God.. Rebekah did tonight. I have never been a religious person. And quite frankly, after loosing Lauren, I don't know what I believe in. So many people told me they prayed, so many said I would get a miracle, so many sent their positive thoughts. Everyone told me to Trust, Believe, and Have Faith... I TRIED. For the 1st time in my life, I can honestly say I gave it everything I had... and my world was shattered. I guess it breaks down to all the "why" problem I have again.

I will never have my perfect world since Lauren is not here with me, and I am not sure what I need to do to find PEACE, but I want it so BADLY.