Forever Christmas Night

Forever Christmas Night

By: Renee Sangsland

All I really want for Christmas is

something I cannot have.

A wish from deep within my soul

A longing only those who've been there know

For a little face staring at the tree

Dancing with excitement on daddy's knee

Eyes full of wonder, shining so bright

And a head full of dreams on Christmas night.

There's something missing as I gaze at the tree

For the thing I want most can never be.

Christmas night is a magical time

It's mysteries held in a nursery ryhme

Where anything's possible and

dreams do come true

That's where my heart is waiting for you.

I do believe I'll see you again

I'll have to settle for wishes 'til then

But so long as that day is well within sight

It will be forever Christmas Night.

Merry Christmas to my beautiful angel, Lauren.

Gone Too Soon

"Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I Pray to God to take care of you
I always wonder how it would be
If you could have stayed here with me
I long to see your sweet, beautiful, angelic face
And let you feel the warmness of your mother's embrace
I love you with all my heart and even though we're apart
Know that you'll always be in mommy's heart" ♥

Gone Too Soon

I have attached a link to a song by Daughtry, titled, Gone Too Soon. Someone private messaged me over facebook about a week ago with a link to this song. I thought it was so nice of them to think of me and recognize the struggles I am facing. The quote I wrote before the link is on one of the slides, and I loved it! Anyways, I wanted to share the song and a little video someone made to go with it.

I am missing my little girl ♥

Lauren's Decorations

We went and decorated for Lauren last weekend and I wanted to share a couple of pictures :)

We also completed our Random Act of Kindness, but I do not want to share what that was just yet. I know a lot of other families who are doing Stocking Projects for their little Angels, so I will share pictures and the description after Christmas. <3

New Things

We had a MEND meeting on Thursday. It happened to be a small group this month, but it was a nice one. This meeting had a couple of "firsts" for me. First, As we opened the meeting up and started our intros, The first woman to go mentioned that she lost her son 9 years ago from as lethal form of dwarfism. This immediately caught my attention. I have yet to meet another family who has lost their child to some type of skeletal dysplasia. Then I was the last one and said "I'm Melissa. I have a 7yrs old daughter at home, Halley, and our 2nd daughter, Lauren, was born on June 17, 2011 and passed away on July 2nd, 2011 due to complications atising from Campomelic Dysplasia. Then, I got asked what Campomelic Dysplasia is.. Was it a type of dwarfism? I answered yes and the 1st woman chimed in. I was so thankful for this. I told her I was curious as to which type her son had, which turned out to be Thanatophoric Dysplasia. I felt an immediate connection and strength, and for the first time, I told Lauren's story. It was a brief version of everything we went through but I got it out there. I felt so amazing to be able to talk to some who understood what I was talking about. Having MEND has been great for me, it has really been helping with my depression. There is so many other mothers who feel my pain, we can talk openly about it, and walk out of that room feeling refreshed because we got it all out. But this time was different. I found someone who I connected with on another level.

We ended up talking about her story and mine for a little while in front of everyone, then decided we should open the group discussion to everyone since we took up so much time. But this was the first time I met someone who had a situation close to mine since it is so rare. She said she met a few other people through MEND that has been through something very similar, but it was such a nice feeling to meet one.

MEND continued on with our meeting, which I continued to cry as someone thanked Rebekah for everything she has done. I feel the same way. I don't know how dark of a place I would be if my doctor hadn't referred me to MEND. I really don't ever see myself not going anymore. I know I will always feel comforted by these women who understand me.

So last night, we went to find the Angel Tree Drive in the Parks Mall. We searched the 3 trees and had no luck finding a baby around Lauren's age. I decided that we would either just choose the youngest, which seemed to be 4 years old, or a 6 year old since Lauren would be turning 6 months old in the next week. Then I remembered another baby loss mommy mentioning that she asked someone for help. So I went to the table and asked them if they happened to know the youngest child available. They said they had newborns, but I hadn't seen any. Then they said they had some returned to them, that were not adopted after all, and they had what I was looking for. I asked for a baby girl who was 5 or 6 mos old. We received a little girl named Juliette who is 5 mos old. We are going to go shopping tonight for her and try to give her a nice little Christmas. This is definetly a tradition I want to continue but, this morning morning I am already a blubbering mess. I hope I can find the strength to buy for this little baby. We are doing this in Honor of our daughter for Christmas, so I know I can do this, I just know I am going to get strange looks as I am walking down the aisles in tears... O Well...

ANDDD We are going to go decorate for Lauren tonight, which I am excited for. She deserves to have all the Christmas decorations we have & more!! Also, the funeral home called me Thursday and told me the bench we ordered came in! :) They aren't going to be laying it until next week, but we are going there today for a Christmas ceremony they are doing, so they said I can get a little sneak peak at it. We are so excited about that!

One other thing I wanted to mention on this post today was regarding a friend. A very close one. About a week ago, she suffered a miscarriage. She wasn't completely open with her pregnancy, in fact it took her a while to tell me, since she figured I would be hurt by this. I was happy for her. I have so much love for her I could never be unhappy for her, no matter what the situation is. But sadly, she did loose her child. I just want to openly say: I am truly sorry. As Dr. Seuss says "A person's a person, no matter how small." I know you are hurting and even with my own grief, I am hurting for you. I love you and hope that if you ever need to talk, you know I am always here for you.

Peace

So tonight was MEND's 15th Annual Christmas Candlelight Ceremony. So beautiful. I cried through the entire thing. It is really hard for my to cry publicly, and even though I really want to most of the time, I don't. I really appreciate that MEND gives me somewhere to do so - to let everything out. There was beautiful music, plenty of prayers, and wonderful speeches. Rebekah, the founder of MEND, really struck something in me tonight. She spoke about how much grief hurts, mentally, emotionally, and physically. How each day is a struggle as I have mentioned so many times on here before. How some days you think you cannot make it through. But then she spoke about peace.

I haven't thought about peace since I lost Lauren. I had no idea what I was searching for. I mean I try to find Lauren in everything I see at stores or things that remind me of her daily, but I never gave any thought to what would put me at ease. Right now I usually just feel the pain and really make an effort to make it through each day, but when will things get better? When will I not have to try so hard to just not cry all day long, or cry anytime I'm around babies? I had NO clue what I have been needing. Then she said tonight that all the group meetings, events, books, blogs, online group discussions are all tools. They are extremely helpful for momentary relief of my heartache, but will never be a permanent.

Let me make it clear that I am not looking for a "fix". I don't want to forget everything I have gone through - I wouldn't take away the 37 weeks I carried her or the 2 beautiful weeks she was with us. Sure it KILLS me to walk by a closed door every night knowing that if I should open that door it is a baby wonderland of a nursery, but I wouldn't change the fact that I made one for her. I just do not want to cry and be in agonizing pain forever. Sometimes I have the ability to shout her name to the world, make sure everyone remembers her, look at the pictures we have of her and smile. Other times I sit and cry and cry and cry. That would actually account for 90% of the time.

Lately, the past few nights, I haven't been sleeping AGAIN. I have just been repeating "WHY ME, WHY US?". I hope that one day I will know why me, and be able to make a beautiful turn around and honor my baby girl in a way she would be proud of.

I need Peace. I need Closure. I need Acceptance. I am exhausted of wondering why. I am exhausted of being so depressed. Everyday I invision her in my arms, or how happy my family would be at this current moment. I am sure I will never get over the what ifs or the wonderings of it all, but I hope one day I  will find something that will mend my broken heart and mend the people around me.

Some people may say find God.. Rebekah did tonight. I have never been a religious person. And quite frankly, after loosing Lauren, I don't know what I believe in. So many people told me they prayed, so many said I would get a miracle, so many sent their positive thoughts. Everyone told me to Trust, Believe, and Have Faith... I TRIED. For the 1st time in my life, I can honestly say I gave it everything I had... and my world was shattered. I guess it breaks down to all the "why" problem I have again.

I will never have my perfect world since Lauren is not here with me, and I am not sure what I need to do to find PEACE, but I want it so BADLY.

Lauren's Stocking Project

I know several other mothers do this as a way to incorporate their loved one into their Christmas holiday and I love the idea. I wanted to share the following letter I sent out to family and friends.

Hey everyone,

I was hoping I could get everyone to help me out with a little something. Lauren would be a little over 6 months old on Christmas. I can only imagine how much of a joyous day it really would be if she was here. She should be here in Brandon’s lap as he helps her open her first little Christmas gifts from us and Santa. Since we are not able to see her beautiful face on Christmas morning or have her in our arms, I am asking for a favor from as many people that will participate.

I am asking you to help me fill Lauren’s stocking with one of two things, or both should you be willing to do so. We would greatly appreciate it if you would 1) write her a letter. It could be about anything. Maybe what you remember about her, what you imagine she would be like, or how she has impacted your life. OR 2) I would like to challenge you to do one random act of kindness for someone between now and Christmas in honor of Lauren. It can be small, it can be big, just as it is something that is kind and as long as you are doing it, you are thinking of our baby girl Lauren.

Once you have completed your random act of kindness, please write a description of what it was. When you have this or just a regular letter completed, please email them to me at either melissa_autry@ymail.com or m.autry0508@gmail.com. For the subject line please write Letter for Lauren or Random Act of Kindness so I can keep them unread. I do not want to read any of them until Christmas. I am going to print them out, fold them up, and stuff her stocking. Then on Christmas morning, Brandon, Halley, & I will open each one and read them together. This would be an amazing, comforting thing for us to be able to read these if you chose to help us out with this. I know I am giving you a short amount of time to complete a letter or a random act of kindness, but it would really mean a lot to us if you consider doing this.

Also, I want to mention that the notes don't really have a guide; just write your thoughts and feelings. You can write to Brandon, Halley, Lauren or I. You can write as little as “Merry Christmas Lauren” or “I will love and remember you Lauren.” It doesn't have to be a long letter, just a sentence or two so that we can see she is remembered on that Christmas morning. The smallest gesture carries the biggest comfort and love in the hardest of times. I figured this is a great way for all those around us to love and support us through this holiday without actually having to be here or call us, as we know all of you have families to be with. Consider this our Christmas present. I want to say that there is no need to “sensor” your writings as nothing that could be written could upset us or hurt us more than the loss of Lauren already has. I encourage all of you to just write what is in your heart, if you had things that you wish you could have said to Lauren or us then I implore you to do so. It will help you as much as it helps us. We appreciate any notes or thoughts that are sent to fill Lauren's stocking, Our family will hold them all very close to our hearts! And If anyone adopts an angel in honor of her, please keep the information tags they give you on the child. After Christmas I want to put all of these letters and tags in her scrapbook.

Thank You,
The Autry Family

--I am hoping I get just a handful of letters to put in Lauren's stocking. It would be amazing to open up her stocking on Christmas morning and read all of these amazing things and ways that people chose to remember her with.