Happy Birthday Mom

The above pictures are from the last birthday we celebrated with my mom in 2007. Happy Birthday to my mom, Vickie Yvonne Garza. I wish she was here with us today and everyday, especially to help me through the most difficult time in my life - but I find comfort knowing she is rocking my sweet baby girl everyday as she would if they were both here. My heart continues to hurt today. I love and truly miss you both. Happy Birthday Mom. Always Loving: Always Loved. Oct. 24, 1956 - Feb. 08, 2008 ♥

Sadness

This is the picture I took on October 15, 2011. October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We have 2 of Lauren's teddy bears on our living room mantel and bought a large candle that we can re-light every year. It was a nice night that night. We just sat there in the living room and watched the flame.

On October 16th I attended another walk from another local group - Landon's Loving Legacy. They were hosting their 1st Walk of Hope. It was at Moore Memorial Gardens where Lauren is buried, so I definetely wanted to go. This whole month of October has been a tough one for me. I have been severely depressed. I have been trying though. And I am really loving my new job, which is nice. Anyways, we went and had another group of people come out to support us. They had a 1 mile walk, a short ceremony, a balloon release, and then everyone in our group went to visit Lauren. We left her a little pumpkin and Halley had drew her a picture to leave. It was a nice day.

Also, I bought a couple more books. I have been kind of out of it as I mentioned above, but I am going to try and start focusing on different things again. I am going to try and read when I get spare time. I enjoy reading and bought all these books, so I want to finish them. I suppose I have been putting it off since I know it will bring up alot of emotions in me, and I have been depressed enough as it is. I need to work on Lauren's scrapbook too. I only have 7 pages so far. I think next weekend I will try to do another page or two.

Other than being depressed, nothing else is new or going on. I am not sure why I have been more depressed this month - I need to go to therapy or to my support group I think, that usually makes me feel a little better. These past couple of weekends I have been trying to do more things with the family, but it always just hurts my heart more. For example: We went to a pumpkin patch on Friday, I was happy to be there with Brandon and Halley. But was so sad that we were picking out a baby pumpkin for Lauren and she was not in my arms. Then Saturday we went to Party City so Halley could pick out her costume and I almost broke down crying as soon as I walked in. I saw little halloween onesies and baby costumes and couldn't handle it. I got really sad. Then today I was driving with Halley and got really emotional. Halley knew I was crying but I just said the ac gave me watery eyes, since it really does sometimes.. but It is my mom's birthday tomorrow. She passed away in 2008 and at the time, I thought that was the worse pain I would ever experience. I really wish I had her here to help me through this time, to just call up on the phone and get all my anger, frustrations, and sadness out. She would listen, understand, and tell me everything would be okay. I hate hearing that, but from her, it would be alright. But if she was here, Lauren would be all alone. I try to imagine my mom holding and rocking Lauren. I truly hope that is the case. I am just so overwhelmed with sadness, I am not sure what to do with myself at this point- I just miss them both :( and I am having a hard time dealing.

One Rough Week

The past few days have been tough ones for me. The therapist I went to says it is because we just hit the 90 day mark. Today makes 96 days since Lauren grew her angel wings. He says that is when it is typically harder for families, because they feel as this is a more real situation and less of a horrible dream. I never thought this situation was a horrible dream, I mean I have wished it.. but I am not so sure I believe in wishing anymore anyways.

Well, October 1st was the 15th Annual M.E.N.D. Walk to Remember. It was too beautiful to explain fully. The entire time I wanted to break down even though I was calmed to be there. Walking up I saw hundreds of people. They had a table full of raffle items and other tables where othere members would place a few memory items from their children for others to see. At 2pm the walk began. It was a short walk. It was nice and quiet and along the way there was memory signs for some children if the family chose to buy one. We walked to a grassy area with white chairs and a little stage and gazebo at the very front. There was music and prayer and different people speaking. Once the opening started, I broke down. I didn't mean to, but it happened. I started then stopped and it repeated. I was so happy with the amount of support that came for Brandon, Halley, & I. We took up 2 entire rows. Then came the time where they called out Lauren's name and we had to walk to this little tree and place her angel ornament on. M.E.N.D. provided this beautiful angel ornament with her name on it. Brandon picked up Halley and she was the one to place it on the tree and we walked back to our seats. After more music and speakers, they passed out balloons for us to write messages on. As Brandon wrote his, he cried. I cried. It is the most difficult thing to write a message to a little baby that should be with you instead of in Heaven. It isn't fair, but it is reality. Then everyone let their balloons go. It was so sad to see all the balloons going to Angel Babies, but so magical at the same time. As if they were all there. Brandon, Halley & I hugged as we watched them fly followed by everyone else coming to hug us.

After the ceremony, we headed to Shreveport. I really did not want to go. A couple of months ago, we thought about heading to Shreveport but decided against it because I knew emotionally I was unable to handle it. But since it was an early Thanksgiving event, I had no choice. I cried on the way there, and then that night when everyone was asleep. The next day his aunts arrived and I do not remember what she said, I think she was asking how I was doing. It was like I blacked out for the moment and just started to cry, so I walked off so I wouldn't make it worse. I composed my self and after that I was okay for the remainder of the day. It was really sad to me for the entire day, which I think everyone could tell by my face since that caused them to ask me or I would kind of walk off to be alone. It was a good but sad weekend for me.

Lately, I have been feeling like I have been experiencing "signs" from Lauren that she is around.  They have been pretty frequent and I love them, but of course, I haven't told anyone so they don't think I am crazy, except for twice I told Brandon and he thought it was pretty amazing as well- including one when I went for my final interview on this new job - It overwhelmed to the point I was shaking and about to have a breakdown right there on the call center floor, and I think she knew it was too much for me - and I luckily got moved..

In addition to that, I feel like every thing on TV has babies on it... some good stories, some like mine. I have been trying to avoid shows like "A Baby Story" or  just anything with children but some of them have been coming on something unexpected. Last night I was watching a new show called "Long Island Medium". The other day I was watching a rerun and it was mentioning a young child that passed away so I changed it, but yesterday I only caught like the last 10 minutes and it was a group reading session. Well, it just so happens that she asks "did someone loose a child as an infant?" and a lady begins to bawl. She says a name they are telling her and asking why, and says she sees a lady and a little girl. The mother of this child gives the story, her child lived for 19 days. The medium was amazing, knew stuff about this mother that she had not mentioned, like that she hangs angels all around her house and calls them Her Little Gracies.  Anyways, she says the little girl wants her to know she is okay and happy, that she has grown, her soul has grown. And her Aunt is there with her and each time the mother is sad, she places her child in her lap, so she is holding her and when she feels like she is there, she really is. I was crying. Halley was in the room so I didn't want her to see, but I couldn't help it. Halley knew, she even said hey that is so strange, that is like us. Okay, I just wanted to mention that. It reassures me that the signs I have been noticing are real, and not in my head. It is comforting to know that Lauren is there, that my mom is there, that maybe my mom really is rocking Lauren in her arms and singing to her, and they check on us.

Now today, I got a call and text message from the funeral home. A couple of weeks ago, they told us that Lauren's marker was being shipped out on the 22nd of September, so this entire time we were thinking it is on its way, and about to be placed. Until I listened to my voicemail today. She said they just got the final drawing back and I need to approve it so they can rush order it. WTH?? I have signed like 2 other forms for the same headstone.. it was so frustrating and hurtful I started to cry. Then she sent me a picture and I don't like it - it could just be because of my emotions, so I am not going to reply until I have Brandon here and we can talk about it. I don't know what to do. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I am in so much pain and I feel as if I am just breaking down more.

I have been doing everything I can. Trying to keep busy, keeping my family happy and active, reading books - I just ordered 2 more about grieving and healing after the loss of a child, and I also bought Halley 2 since she has been having a hard time as well. I have been trying to avoid certain things so my emotions don't get triggered, I have blocked several people's postings on Facebook. I have been more involved in my support group, and even went to a therapy session. I just don't know what to do anymore. Some days I think are bearable, but most days are just so overwhelming. The last week has been so rough on me, I am hoping I have brighter days in the coming future.

Quotes from "An Exaclt Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination"

I previously mentioned that I had started 2 books, one of them being An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. I finished this book a little over a week ago, but haven't had time to write about it. She experienced a stillbirth of her 1st son at 41 weeks and wrote a memoir about that pregnancy and the transition to her next pregnancy. I wasn't completely astonished by the book, as some others that told me about it. I did think it was interesting and overall a good read because of the honesty of her feelings and thoughts. I felt for her as I was reading and strangely have done some of the same things. Lauren wasn't stillborn, but I obviously related to the fact of loosing my child. There was a few things I wasn't fond of, or I couldn't see myself acting in that matter - like not taking any pictures of my child. I do not want to give too many details because I do not want to give away the whole story. I did put a few sicky notes next to several quotes that described my feelings to the T. I am going to share them below:

"Babies born to mothers who'd been pregnant at the same time as me hurt a little. I didn't mind hearing about them, but I didn't want to meet them. That puzzled me since it wasn't logical, and even in mourning I liked to think I was logical, but it was an unhappiness that rose up in me....

Even now I have a hard time with the babies born to friends around Pudding's birth. It is not logical, and yet there it is: this one is one month older, this one is three weeks younger. But mostly I just missed my own child."

"That is one of the strangest side effects of the whole story. I am that thing worse than a cautionary tale: I am a horror story, an example of something terrible going wrong when you least expect it, and for no good reason, a story to be kept from pregnant women, a story so grim and lessonless it's better not to think about it at all."

"I don't even know what I would have wanted someone to say. Not: It will be better. Not: You don't think you'll live through this, but you will. Maybe: Tomorrow you will spontaneously combust. Tomorrow, finally, your misery will turn to wax and heat and you will burn and melt till nothing is left in your chair but a greasy, childless smudge. That might have comforted me."

"After most deaths, I imagine, the awfulness lies in how everything's changed: you no longer recognize the form of your days. There's a hole. It's person-shaped and it follows you everywhere, to bed, to the dinner table, in the car.

For us what was killing was how nothing had changed. We'd been waiting to be transformed, and now here we were, back in our old life."

"All I can say is, it's a sort of kinship, as though there is a family tree of grief. On this branch the lost children, in this the suicided parents, here the beloved mentally ill siblings. When something terrible happens, you discover all of a sudden that you have a new set of relatives, people with whom you can speak in the shorthand of cousins.

Twice now I have heard the story of someone who knows someone who's had a stillborn child since Pudding has died, and it's all I can do no to book a flight immediately, to show up somewhere I'm not wanted, just sothat I can say, It happened to me, too, because it meant so much to me to hear it. It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This does not have to be a secret.

That's how it works. When a baby dies, other dead children become suddenly visable: Daughters and sons. First cousins. The neighbor kid. The first child. The last child. Your older brother. Some of their names have been forgoten; some never had names in the first place. They disappered under heaps of advice. Don't dwell. Have another child, a makeup baby. Life is for the living. But then another baby dies, and here they are again, in stories, and you will love them all, and-if you are a mother of a dead child yourself-they will keep coming to you. A couple I know just lost their baby. And you will know that your lost child has appeared somewhere else in the world. I know a couple..."

That last one seems like I quoted the whole book :) anyways, I would recommend it.

Till next time. <3

"A Storm is Coming" - My Storm is here

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure." I am missing Lauren so much right now, I am glad I have a therapy session set up for tomorrow. I am interested how this will work, but glad that my supportive hubby is going with me. <3

I want to share a story someone showed me a while back from another blog. It is from Baron Batch, who is a football player. His blog is http://baronbatch.blogspot.com/.

The story is really nice, and makes me think alot. My storm is here, drowning me. Each and every day I am fighting for air, fighting to survive this storm. Someday we will make it through this storm. I borrowed his story and it is below.  

A Storm is Coming

"On a deserted island my thoughts and I sit, with a small coffee table in the middle of a forked trail with two paths. There is a kettle of coffee in the middle of the rickety warped wooden table where 3 coffee mugs sit in-front of 3 old wooden chairs. Above the skies are filled with dark clouds. The smell of rain fills my nostrils and I can taste the saltiness of the air. A beach is near. I can hear the distant crashing of the waves and the wind is beginning to whip across my face. I can see the brilliant flashes of lightning jumping from earth to sky, dancing across the clouds while speaking in a thunderous voice that I cannot understand, but I know what it says.

From the skies the lightning speaks with thunder distantly proclaiming.

“A storm is coming”

My thoughts and I sit at the rickety coffee table, just the three of us with only a kettle of coffee for separation. Across from me sit two beautiful women; actually the word beautiful doesn’t suffice, beautiful is an understatement. These women are mesmerizing, they are radiant, and they are hypnotic. They begin to introduce themselves to me. As the first begins to speak and extend her hand for an introduction she is interrupted by the second woman who shows a gleaming perfect smile and says, “ Hi Baron, my name is Doubt.”

Doubt is stunning. She has long red hair, and wears heavy makeup. Her eyes draw me in immediately almost as if she can peer into my soul and see my thoughts and fears. My heart begins to race as I can feel all of my anxieties and fears being drawn from my deepest depths to my surface. I begin to panic but can’t look away. She is too enticing.

I feel a gentle touch on my forearm and immediately my fears, worries and anxieties subside. I break away from Doubts gaze and look to my right to see an outstretched hand. I grab hold and another woman introduces herself to me. “Hello Baron, I’m Faith”

Faith looks much different than Doubt but is just as gorgeous. Faith has long dark hair that flows over her shoulders. She wears a white dress and cowboy boots. She has glasses and doesn’t wear makeup because she has nothing to hide; her skin is flawless. Her eyes are calming but her touch is what is indescribable. There is nothing like touching Faith.

As I sit with Doubt, and Faith at the tiny wooden, rickety, and warped table with only a coffee kettle in between us I ask, “Why am I here?”

Doubt sits down her coffee mug with her thick red lipstick stuck to it and swallows before speaking.

“Look around you. Can’t you see that a storm is coming?” She says.

“Yes I can see that”

“Well you have to choose who you are going to set sail with” Doubt hastily replied.

“Set sail?” I ask?

“Yes set sail! The storm is coming and we have to hurry. If we set sail quick enough we can maneuver around the storm and escape this island, the path behind me leads to a safe place to depart and we can avoid the storm, but we have to hurry. You must decide quickly,” Doubt said with panic in her voice.

I begin to get nervous as I can see the colossal storm clouds moving closer to shore. I hear the increasing thunder and my heart begins to race.

I turn to Faith and ask, “Where does your path lead? Is it safe? Can we avoid the storm?”

Faith calmly replied “I cant tell you that, all I can assure you is that I can get you through the storm and to the beach on the other side”

As I sit at the rickety coffee table just my thoughts and I, the storm clouds begin to surround me. I can feel the rain starting to fall gently on my skin. I can hear the thunderclouds billowing their warning.

“A storm is coming”

I know I must make a decision and make one quickly if I want to survive this storm. I look across the table at Doubt and Faith and both of them reach out their hands. I close my eyes and grab onto Faiths hand. She holds mine tight as we get up from the tiny wooden table and walk down the path that was behind her chair.

As Faith calmly leads me down her path that leads to the ocean the rain begins to pour, and the thunder begins to roar crying out,

“A storm is coming, a storm is coming!”

While Faith and I walk hand in hand to the beach I ask “Where did Doubts path lead?”

“You’ll see.” She replied

Soon we emerge at the end of the path and I can see the ocean. I can also see the enormity of the storm. The storm stretches as far as I can see and I am terrified.

In my fear I turn back to run to Doubt. She said that knew how to avoid the storm. She said she knew a safe way of crossing. As I turn to go back I see the exit to another path that was not the one I came out of. On the exit of that path I see Doubt standing. Her makeup has washed off and she looked nothing like she did before. I call out to her over the roaring winds “You said you had a safer way! You said that we could avoid this storm.”

Doubt says nothing. She just stands at her exit glaring at me.

I turn back to Faith and cry out with tears in my eyes, “What do I do? I can’t face this storm.”

Faith says nothing. She only extends her hand. I run towards the ocean where she is standing by a small canoe. I look down with fear at the small canoe thinking “there is no way this will make it through this storm.”

The waves crash at our feet as Faith calmly says, “Get in and row, don’t stop until I tell you we are through the storm”

I’m terrified but I crawl into the tiny canoe with Faith. We begin to row. The waves toss us from left to right, and up and down but we keep rowing. The rain slaps our bodies but we keep rowing. The thunder proclaims from the clouds, “the storm is here!” But we keep rowing. My arms begin to tire, but we keep rowing.

We row for what seems like eternity and finally the rain slows, the waves calm and the thunder echoes behind us whispering, “The storm has passed.”

I turn to Faith exhausted from the journey and ask, “Why did Doubts path lead to the same place on the beach? I thought she said she could avoid the storm”

Faith simply shook her head and said “Storms aren’t sent so that we can avoid them or run from them.”

“Then why was that storm sent for me?” I asked.

“You’ll see.” Faith said.

As we keep rowing the storm calms more and more and we begin to approach another beach. On this beach I can see thousands of tiny dots, at first I can’t make out what they are but as we row closer I can see that they are people; thousands and thousands of people standing at the waters edge. As we get closer to shore I can see the seemingly endless amount of people standing in amazement watching us row out of the storm in the tiny canoe, just Faith and I.

I look at Faith and she smiles and says, “That’s why the storm was sent.”

“I don’t get it.” I tell her.

She says, “Do you see all those people? That storm was sent for them, but you are the one who had to sail through it. You are an overcomer. Because you are an overcomer your waters will rarely be calm. Because you are an overcomer your life will not be easy. Because you are an overcomer you will have to sail through storms simply so people can see that it’s possible. Because you are an overcomer you have no choice but to overcome.”

“Your storms are not for you. Your storms are not you own. “

Wednesday I will have surgery to fix my ACL. Since my season ending injury about a week ago I have realized that now more than ever I have to be strong. I have realized more and more that trials aren’t always to strengthen the person going through them, but more so to strengthen the people watching. Many times on the other side of the storm on the distant beach, there are people that will be in awe when they see you rowing out of the raging waters in your tiny canoe, with only Faith beside you.

My storms are not for me. My storms are not my own. I am an overcomer. "

Obviously, I do not have a torn ACL, but his short story made me realize that maybe I will be able to help just one person. It won't make this pain go away, but I hope that I can either show someone where they can find the support they need, or be it for them. I need to be strong. Strong for Brandon, Halley, Lauren, & Myself. I struggle daily, but I am trying.

Thankful

So I was in the process of crying my eyes out tonight, and I just had to get up to get a few things out. Today I feel as if I cried alot. It started by looking at the mail. I received an invitation to a Memorial Service for babies who have passed away in the NICU from the hospital Lauren was at. The card was angels in different colors that, of course, a young child had drawn, or made to look as though that was the case. It was emotional to me. After Lauren passed and they asked us to come to get her belongings, I couldn't get out of the car. It hurt to be so close to the building. Their event is going to be at the hospital. As soon as I read it, I immediately imagined how the hospital looked inside. How we went inside from 4 different entrances, how cold it was, how fast the elevators went. I remembered going to the second floor, getting off the elevator - to the left a little library, we would go to the right, but wouldn't stay straight, because that was for the PICU babies ( I had always hoped we would advance to that side), we would make another right, then a left, and say we were here to see Baby Autry.

Anyways, I cried. I was flooded with emotions. I had an anxiety attack, I think I want to go, but I don't know how I feel about stepping foot in that hospital again. This will probably be something I bring up to my therapist, yes, I made an appointment for this week. I feel like I am making huge steps. That is one thing I am thankful for. I am so thankful that I have a husband and daughter that have been there for me, that are hurting so badly themselves, but put that aside to care for me.

During the course of my pregnancy, I had several crappy people that I came across - personal and professional. I did, however, have a few that I will never forget, and I am truely thankful for and grateful to. The first would be Dr. T and his amazing team. They were never in a bad mood, always so friendly and helpful. I would walk in and they would greet us on 1st name basis, would sneak candy into our room just because they knew how much Brandon loved it and even though they knew he would raid their bowl for me before we left. They gave me the development status each visit, along with plenty of pictures and a couple of videos to take with us. They never onced rushed us out of the office. They always took their time, and never seemed to mind.
 
Next would be my main doc, Dr. C. She was amazing my entire pregnancy as well. The staff in the office I could really care less about, but she always made sure to see me. She and Brandon had an instant connection, since she graduated med school from LSU. She was always smiling and always helpful. I remember the first time she saw me after Lauren had passed, she gave me a huge hug, and Brandon as well. I felt as her feelings were sincere. She was also the person who recommended me to MEND and a few other support outlets.

There was 3 nurses in NICU that I will never forget:

Raye was one of Lauren's rotating nurses. She didn't mind to sneak information to Brandon's parents. She was young, nice, and sweet. She wasn't overly experienced, but I didn't mind. Her care for Lauren is what stood out to us. She helped me change my 1st diaper with Lauren.

Lauren- Lauren was my Lauren's last nurse. She had her for the night of July 1st at 7:00pm to 6:00am the next morning, July 2nd. We saw her that night of July 1st. She had no issue giving us the details of Lauren's new vent that she was on. She was moved to a new spot the night before. The night before when Monique was on duty. That night I left a wreck. But July 1st Lauren looked comfy, even with being a bigger machine. She had a new IV in, but didn't seem to mind. I remember Lauren, the nurse's face. I will never forget her. She was the one holding my Lauren as I ran into the NICU after being woken up at 4am. She was the one rocking my baby girl, holding her in her arms, crying, because Lauren had passed away. She was telling me how good Lauren was doing all night, how she couldn't believe it, that she had tried. I could tell she had been crying. The nurses around her had scattered. They were probably telling her not to feel that way, or maybe that she would get used to it as time passed. But I am thankful that we had a nurse so compassionate that night. She handed Lauren over to me, beautifully dressed, and led me to the rocking chair.

Monique- Monique was Lauren's permanent nurse. The first night we met her was the night she chose to be Lauren's permanent nurse, her primary. She once told us that she was unsure about it, not because of the special care Lauren required, but because she was only part time, and didn't know if that was fair to us. Monique was amazing. She always took extrodinary care of Lauren. Brandon & I had an immediate connection with her. We didn't mind not having another permanent nurse for Lauren, because we already had Monique. She was the 1st one to let me hold Lauren - for the 1st and only time while she was living. I connected with her even though she was pregnant, 5 months and I believe with a little boy. I knew that she was, more than likely, growing a beautiful healthy little boy inside her. Working in the NICU was probably hard enough on her, but she chose Lauren. She was there for me when I was a wreck. When I was completely broken down, especially June 30th when I watched her "bag" Lauren several times. She always explained anything and everything to us. When we had questions from any previous days, she was the one we went to. I remember her eyes, I remember how sad she looked because she felt my pain. She had grown attached and it hurt her too so see Lauren, Brandon, & I in such pain. Another nurse told Brandon, that they typically don't like picking to be a child's primary for that reason - they get attached. I have always wondered how Monique reacted to hearing the news about Lauren. If she cried, if she didn't. I always wanted to say thank you to her too, because even though Lauren was considered difficult to deal with, she told me she felt as if she could handle her, I knew she cared, even if they weren't supposed to...

I never got to say Thank You to anyone that was mentioned, except Dr. C, because I have not seen them since my pregnancy or during Lauren's hospital stay. I hope they do know I am thankful for them though, even though I coould not express that to them myself. Maybe one day I will get the chance.

One member from the MEND group said that she trys to do this daily. Think of what she is thankful for, even though she is in so much pain. Being that I just dove into my thankfullness a little bit, I do feel a little better. Like earlier when I was upset about my anxiety to go to the hospital, I worked on Lauren's scrapbook, opened her memory box, felt her clothes she was wearing July 2nd, and looked at her tiny box of belongings, and even though I have my pain, I felt my joy again. My joy to have had her, the joy to have seen her, touched her, kissed her. I wish I had more of those times, I will probably never stop wishing that, but I am thankful that I got to meet my little one and see her beautiful face - and that, I will never forget. <3

Special occasions hurt without her

September 20th was Halley's 7th birthday.  This was a difficult day for me. I just feel so lucky to be able to see Halley grow each day. It is an amazing thing. But I was also hurt by the fact that I am not able to do this with Lauren. There has been several holidays and birthdays since Lauren passed away, the three worst ones being:

July 4th - This was 2 days after she passed. I was misserable, hurt, crying every single minute and I did not want to celebrate, but we knew we couldn't just pass it up, because then it wouldn't be fair to Halley. We had an adorable outfit picked out for Lauren, and I was hoping that if she was in the hospital, they might let me put it on her for a quick picture. I would have spent my night with her looking out the window, explaining how beautiful July 4th can be. The outfit is hanging in her closet, and I never got the chance.

July 6th: Brandon's birthday - This was still just a few days from when we lost her. It must have been hard enough on him on Father's day, he wasn't even able to hold Lauren. I knew it was enough for him just seeing her though. On his birthday it was hard for me as well. He wasn't really set on doing much or inviting anyone, but we went to dinner. I think this was the 1st day I had put on makeup or combed my hair that week.

July 8th - This was not a Holiday by any means but I did want to mention it. This day was my original due date, before we knew anything was wrong. This day is the day we had Lauren's funeral service.

and recently, September 20th: Halley's birthday - I cried. I couldn't help it. I went to work that day so I cried on the way home to get her. I had the emotions of feeling so lucky and so hurt at the same time. I sucked it up and we made it a good day for her. We went to the mall to shop, Ihop for dinner, and finished the night off with some cookie cake and the season premiere of Glee. It was a really good day for her. That night, I cried. And cried, then cried some more.

On the 18th we had Halley's party and she got a new build-a-bear. Halley built one for Lauren while she was still in the hospital and when we had to bring it home, she made sure she had possession of it and got to sleep with it everynight. Sunday, I took it back. I resisted for a long time, but I have been aching for it. Hope is the name of Lauren's build-a-bear bunny. It has a little sound button in her hand and when you press it, it says "I Love You, I Love You". Each time I hear it, it breaks my heart.. but I love hearing it at the same time.. It is a confusing feeling. Brandon tends to press it because he likes to hear it. I just dont want it to stop saying that noise, I would flip out if it did.

Anyways, of course there has been several other holidays that have hurt..actually everyday hurts.. but, the pain is always much worse when it is an important day, a day I would be dressing her up in something so adorable, no one would be able to resist saying "awww".. or when the whole family gets together and I see their family is complete and mine isn't.

On another note, I heard this question for the 1st time since Lauren passed away - "How many children do you have?" It felt like a stab. Of course, I said 2. Then came the "how old" questions. UGHH I wanted to get up and walk away, but I was getting my nails done, and that was impossible at the moment. I think my friend knew how I felt because I only spoke about Halley's age and turned away. I really have no idea what to say when I am asked how old.. Is that when I am supposed to say "she passed away" I do not want to ever explain to complete strangers, my story is way to long and saying a short answer would not do her justice. I also am not strong enough to speak of her without crying.

There was something else I wanted to mention, but lost my train of thought. So, I shall be done for tonight.