Sadness

This is the picture I took on October 15, 2011. October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We have 2 of Lauren's teddy bears on our living room mantel and bought a large candle that we can re-light every year. It was a nice night that night. We just sat there in the living room and watched the flame.

On October 16th I attended another walk from another local group - Landon's Loving Legacy. They were hosting their 1st Walk of Hope. It was at Moore Memorial Gardens where Lauren is buried, so I definetely wanted to go. This whole month of October has been a tough one for me. I have been severely depressed. I have been trying though. And I am really loving my new job, which is nice. Anyways, we went and had another group of people come out to support us. They had a 1 mile walk, a short ceremony, a balloon release, and then everyone in our group went to visit Lauren. We left her a little pumpkin and Halley had drew her a picture to leave. It was a nice day.

Also, I bought a couple more books. I have been kind of out of it as I mentioned above, but I am going to try and start focusing on different things again. I am going to try and read when I get spare time. I enjoy reading and bought all these books, so I want to finish them. I suppose I have been putting it off since I know it will bring up alot of emotions in me, and I have been depressed enough as it is. I need to work on Lauren's scrapbook too. I only have 7 pages so far. I think next weekend I will try to do another page or two.

Other than being depressed, nothing else is new or going on. I am not sure why I have been more depressed this month - I need to go to therapy or to my support group I think, that usually makes me feel a little better. These past couple of weekends I have been trying to do more things with the family, but it always just hurts my heart more. For example: We went to a pumpkin patch on Friday, I was happy to be there with Brandon and Halley. But was so sad that we were picking out a baby pumpkin for Lauren and she was not in my arms. Then Saturday we went to Party City so Halley could pick out her costume and I almost broke down crying as soon as I walked in. I saw little halloween onesies and baby costumes and couldn't handle it. I got really sad. Then today I was driving with Halley and got really emotional. Halley knew I was crying but I just said the ac gave me watery eyes, since it really does sometimes.. but It is my mom's birthday tomorrow. She passed away in 2008 and at the time, I thought that was the worse pain I would ever experience. I really wish I had her here to help me through this time, to just call up on the phone and get all my anger, frustrations, and sadness out. She would listen, understand, and tell me everything would be okay. I hate hearing that, but from her, it would be alright. But if she was here, Lauren would be all alone. I try to imagine my mom holding and rocking Lauren. I truly hope that is the case. I am just so overwhelmed with sadness, I am not sure what to do with myself at this point- I just miss them both :( and I am having a hard time dealing.