Thanksgiving

Today was tough. There was so many times I wanted to just break down, but fortunetly I held it together, for the most part. I miss her. What else can I say that is different? Nothing, because that is how I feel. Ugh grief is hard. Unfair and Hard.

My day started by going to the gym for a little bit. I am trying to motivate myself to get back to the size I was. It is hard when you suddenly do not care what you look like but know it is a not a good look. I feel like my weight is one tiny portion of something that can make me a little happier if I can get to where I want, so I figured I would put some effort into this time. Anyways, then I headed to the grocery store with my sister. At the end of our grocery shopping adventure we went over to the floral area. I picked up Lauren some flowers, along with some for my mother, and got Lauren some Thanksgiving balloons. While we were checking out, a guy noticed my balloons and said "Those are really pretty balloons, are they for your mom?"

Me: "Thanks, No, they are for my daughter."
Him: "Oh that's sweet, did you get them for her to play with?"

Me: "No, I am going to put them out for her."

:( It was hard saying that. Looking at this man who imagined a little girl, bright-eyed, excited over some pretty balloons... I wish that was the case. So anyway, Brandon, Halley, and I took the flowers and balloons to Lauren, and then took some flowers to my mom and my mom's mom.

Then after all of that, we enjoyed the remainder of our day at Brandon's parent's house. Overall I had an okay day, as good as it could be I suppose. Now I am all alone. Halley stayed with her grandparents and my husband has a 16 hour shift for Black Friday and my saddness is overwhelming. I chose to work tomorrow so I hope I am able to get a little rest tonight. :/ I hope everyone had a nice holiday.

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For That, I Am Thankful
By Darcie Sims

It doesn't seem to get any better,
but it doesn't get any worse either.For that, I am thankful.

There are no more pictures to be taken,
but there are memories to be cherished.
For that, I am thankful.

There is a missing chair at the table,
but the circle of family gathers close.
For that, I am thankful.

The turkey is smaller,
but there is still stuffing.
For that, I am thankful.

The days are shorter,
but the nights are softer.
For that, I am thankful.

The pain is still there,
but it lasts only moments.
For that, I am thankful.

The calendar still turns, the holidays still appear
And they still cost too much,
but I am still here.
For that, I am thankful.

The room is still empty, the soul still aches,
but the heart remembers.
For that, I am thankful.

The guests still come, the dishes pile up,
but the dishwasher still works.
For that, I am thankful.

The name is still missing, the words still unspoken,
but the silence is shared.
For that, I am thankful.

The snow still falls, the sled still waits,
and the spirit still wants to...
For that, I am thankful.

The stillness remains,
but the sadness is smaller.
For that, I am thankful.

The moment is gone,
but the love is forever.
For that, I am blessed.
For that, I am grateful.

Love was once (and still is)
a part of my being.
For that, I am living.

I am living,
and for that, I am thankful.

Angel Moms

Angel Moms

By: Judi Walker

We have shared our tears and our sorrow,

We have given encouragement to each other,

Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,

We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,

Who we watched grow over the years,

Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,

But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,

The bond we share is very strong,

With each other there is no need to explain,

The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,

They didn't want us on this journey alone,

They knew we needed each other,

To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,

We may stumble and fall along the way,

But we'll get up and try again,

Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,

We'll create a place where we belong,

Together we will find ways to cope,

Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong!

Surviving Loss

I feel like I am constantly moving backwards instead of foward in my grieving process.. well if there is a structure to one.. There was an article another mommy shared in our MEND group that I would like to share:

http://adrr.com/living/sloss.htm

I read through this and one of the things that stuck out to me the most was this statement:

"Most parents who have lost a child operate at about 10% to 15% of their  normal capacity for at least six months.  Suggesting  that the  person "do more" when they can actually do 85% less  is  insisting  that the person do things that gratify the  demander  -- often  at the expense of whatever energy the person has  to  care for their family and remaining loved ones."

Okay, So I am not crazy. I sit back sometimes and look at everything Brandon does for this family. I have not been putting in my part. Please do not mistake me not being able to, with me not trying. I do try. But I don't think the ordinary person understands how much it takes for me to get out of bed, to function at work, to carry on a conversation. Absolutely nothing, not one thing, feels the same as it did before Lauren passed away. I feel so bad after reading this statement from the article because I know Brandon is experiencing the same pain as I am, but he tries to do anything and everything for me. I feel so fortunate that my husband is exhausting himself to help me out. It really shows his love and dedication to our family.  I know we both have a ton on our plates: Caring for Halley, caring for ourselves, keeping the household running, cleaning, taking care of 2 dogs, working, keeping up with other family & whatever few friends we have left, and loving one another. I can say how hard it is to do more than one of those at a time. I sometimes completely zone out when people talk, often because I am deep thoughts.. or when I am driving, I have been thinking and crying, but enjoying that time where I can do that alone and not put the burden on my family. I also completely drop everything when I open my locket and look at Lauren's picture or when my phone lights up with a text message - I can't even see the message itself, only her picture in the background.

I can say I have been concentrating on having conversations with him and Halley though. I think for a while I had even been cutting them out. I mean I could ask them questions or reply but I didn't retain any information and my heart was just not in it. A couple weeks ago we talked about active listening at work, and it showed me - pointed straight out to me, that I had been secluding them and it made my heart hurt worse. How in the world could I do that? I don't know how it was possible for me to shut out the ones that love me the most, but I did it. I curled up in ball. cried every night, and couldn't speak about anything - I just truly miss being so happy. I miss crying tears of joy. I miss Lauren. I miss the love my family felt. Now all we have is heartache.

Then, I started to feel the breezes or the warmth of the sun again. I could hear what my family was telling me. I made it through Halloween. I was cleaning again. But lately, I've noticed that has been slowing down again (hence why I feel like I'm going backwards). I can still hold a conversation.. or at least for a few minutes, but I sometimes feel as though as I cannot function. After reading this article, I realized it isn't just me. I'm not crazy. I got the reassurance that grief is not a simple thing. The good thing is that I do not feel rushed. I am sure some people might want to shake me and tell me "Don't be like this" but it is a good thing they don't, or I am sure I would have a good amount of choice words for them. :)

I think the article would be a good read for anyone going through a loss, or trying to support someone through one. It is not lengthy but it just a good, quick overview of a few things that help/ don't help. I am also in the middle of another book, so hopefully I will be finished soon enough to post what I thought about it.

&& I just want to mention that there is a MEND meeting tonight, which I am thankful I get to attend! I was unable to go to last month's meeting since I was so sick. Being around other mommies that know my heartache helps. It is that reassurance thing that I get, that lets me know I am not alone, I have support, I am not crazy, and what steps I can take to make things a little easier on myself.

One Year Ago..

One year ago today I came home and took a pregnancy test. I couldn't believe my eyes, after 2 1/2 years of trying, our baby was coming. I remember jumping up & down, smiling so hard it hurt, and crying because I was amazingly happy. I have a heavy heart today. I am missing my baby girl. ♥

Lauren's marker also finally came in. It feels nice to have it finally. I can sit with her and touch her little hands. That's what Brandon, Halley, & I did today.. and we really didn't want to leave, but Halley had cheerleading practice so we had to. Now we are just waiting for the bench we ordered to come in!  I am adding pictures below to share.

Happy Birthday Mom

The above pictures are from the last birthday we celebrated with my mom in 2007. Happy Birthday to my mom, Vickie Yvonne Garza. I wish she was here with us today and everyday, especially to help me through the most difficult time in my life - but I find comfort knowing she is rocking my sweet baby girl everyday as she would if they were both here. My heart continues to hurt today. I love and truly miss you both. Happy Birthday Mom. Always Loving: Always Loved. Oct. 24, 1956 - Feb. 08, 2008 ♥

Sadness

This is the picture I took on October 15, 2011. October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We have 2 of Lauren's teddy bears on our living room mantel and bought a large candle that we can re-light every year. It was a nice night that night. We just sat there in the living room and watched the flame.

On October 16th I attended another walk from another local group - Landon's Loving Legacy. They were hosting their 1st Walk of Hope. It was at Moore Memorial Gardens where Lauren is buried, so I definetely wanted to go. This whole month of October has been a tough one for me. I have been severely depressed. I have been trying though. And I am really loving my new job, which is nice. Anyways, we went and had another group of people come out to support us. They had a 1 mile walk, a short ceremony, a balloon release, and then everyone in our group went to visit Lauren. We left her a little pumpkin and Halley had drew her a picture to leave. It was a nice day.

Also, I bought a couple more books. I have been kind of out of it as I mentioned above, but I am going to try and start focusing on different things again. I am going to try and read when I get spare time. I enjoy reading and bought all these books, so I want to finish them. I suppose I have been putting it off since I know it will bring up alot of emotions in me, and I have been depressed enough as it is. I need to work on Lauren's scrapbook too. I only have 7 pages so far. I think next weekend I will try to do another page or two.

Other than being depressed, nothing else is new or going on. I am not sure why I have been more depressed this month - I need to go to therapy or to my support group I think, that usually makes me feel a little better. These past couple of weekends I have been trying to do more things with the family, but it always just hurts my heart more. For example: We went to a pumpkin patch on Friday, I was happy to be there with Brandon and Halley. But was so sad that we were picking out a baby pumpkin for Lauren and she was not in my arms. Then Saturday we went to Party City so Halley could pick out her costume and I almost broke down crying as soon as I walked in. I saw little halloween onesies and baby costumes and couldn't handle it. I got really sad. Then today I was driving with Halley and got really emotional. Halley knew I was crying but I just said the ac gave me watery eyes, since it really does sometimes.. but It is my mom's birthday tomorrow. She passed away in 2008 and at the time, I thought that was the worse pain I would ever experience. I really wish I had her here to help me through this time, to just call up on the phone and get all my anger, frustrations, and sadness out. She would listen, understand, and tell me everything would be okay. I hate hearing that, but from her, it would be alright. But if she was here, Lauren would be all alone. I try to imagine my mom holding and rocking Lauren. I truly hope that is the case. I am just so overwhelmed with sadness, I am not sure what to do with myself at this point- I just miss them both :( and I am having a hard time dealing.

One Rough Week

The past few days have been tough ones for me. The therapist I went to says it is because we just hit the 90 day mark. Today makes 96 days since Lauren grew her angel wings. He says that is when it is typically harder for families, because they feel as this is a more real situation and less of a horrible dream. I never thought this situation was a horrible dream, I mean I have wished it.. but I am not so sure I believe in wishing anymore anyways.

Well, October 1st was the 15th Annual M.E.N.D. Walk to Remember. It was too beautiful to explain fully. The entire time I wanted to break down even though I was calmed to be there. Walking up I saw hundreds of people. They had a table full of raffle items and other tables where othere members would place a few memory items from their children for others to see. At 2pm the walk began. It was a short walk. It was nice and quiet and along the way there was memory signs for some children if the family chose to buy one. We walked to a grassy area with white chairs and a little stage and gazebo at the very front. There was music and prayer and different people speaking. Once the opening started, I broke down. I didn't mean to, but it happened. I started then stopped and it repeated. I was so happy with the amount of support that came for Brandon, Halley, & I. We took up 2 entire rows. Then came the time where they called out Lauren's name and we had to walk to this little tree and place her angel ornament on. M.E.N.D. provided this beautiful angel ornament with her name on it. Brandon picked up Halley and she was the one to place it on the tree and we walked back to our seats. After more music and speakers, they passed out balloons for us to write messages on. As Brandon wrote his, he cried. I cried. It is the most difficult thing to write a message to a little baby that should be with you instead of in Heaven. It isn't fair, but it is reality. Then everyone let their balloons go. It was so sad to see all the balloons going to Angel Babies, but so magical at the same time. As if they were all there. Brandon, Halley & I hugged as we watched them fly followed by everyone else coming to hug us.

After the ceremony, we headed to Shreveport. I really did not want to go. A couple of months ago, we thought about heading to Shreveport but decided against it because I knew emotionally I was unable to handle it. But since it was an early Thanksgiving event, I had no choice. I cried on the way there, and then that night when everyone was asleep. The next day his aunts arrived and I do not remember what she said, I think she was asking how I was doing. It was like I blacked out for the moment and just started to cry, so I walked off so I wouldn't make it worse. I composed my self and after that I was okay for the remainder of the day. It was really sad to me for the entire day, which I think everyone could tell by my face since that caused them to ask me or I would kind of walk off to be alone. It was a good but sad weekend for me.

Lately, I have been feeling like I have been experiencing "signs" from Lauren that she is around.  They have been pretty frequent and I love them, but of course, I haven't told anyone so they don't think I am crazy, except for twice I told Brandon and he thought it was pretty amazing as well- including one when I went for my final interview on this new job - It overwhelmed to the point I was shaking and about to have a breakdown right there on the call center floor, and I think she knew it was too much for me - and I luckily got moved..

In addition to that, I feel like every thing on TV has babies on it... some good stories, some like mine. I have been trying to avoid shows like "A Baby Story" or  just anything with children but some of them have been coming on something unexpected. Last night I was watching a new show called "Long Island Medium". The other day I was watching a rerun and it was mentioning a young child that passed away so I changed it, but yesterday I only caught like the last 10 minutes and it was a group reading session. Well, it just so happens that she asks "did someone loose a child as an infant?" and a lady begins to bawl. She says a name they are telling her and asking why, and says she sees a lady and a little girl. The mother of this child gives the story, her child lived for 19 days. The medium was amazing, knew stuff about this mother that she had not mentioned, like that she hangs angels all around her house and calls them Her Little Gracies.  Anyways, she says the little girl wants her to know she is okay and happy, that she has grown, her soul has grown. And her Aunt is there with her and each time the mother is sad, she places her child in her lap, so she is holding her and when she feels like she is there, she really is. I was crying. Halley was in the room so I didn't want her to see, but I couldn't help it. Halley knew, she even said hey that is so strange, that is like us. Okay, I just wanted to mention that. It reassures me that the signs I have been noticing are real, and not in my head. It is comforting to know that Lauren is there, that my mom is there, that maybe my mom really is rocking Lauren in her arms and singing to her, and they check on us.

Now today, I got a call and text message from the funeral home. A couple of weeks ago, they told us that Lauren's marker was being shipped out on the 22nd of September, so this entire time we were thinking it is on its way, and about to be placed. Until I listened to my voicemail today. She said they just got the final drawing back and I need to approve it so they can rush order it. WTH?? I have signed like 2 other forms for the same headstone.. it was so frustrating and hurtful I started to cry. Then she sent me a picture and I don't like it - it could just be because of my emotions, so I am not going to reply until I have Brandon here and we can talk about it. I don't know what to do. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I am in so much pain and I feel as if I am just breaking down more.

I have been doing everything I can. Trying to keep busy, keeping my family happy and active, reading books - I just ordered 2 more about grieving and healing after the loss of a child, and I also bought Halley 2 since she has been having a hard time as well. I have been trying to avoid certain things so my emotions don't get triggered, I have blocked several people's postings on Facebook. I have been more involved in my support group, and even went to a therapy session. I just don't know what to do anymore. Some days I think are bearable, but most days are just so overwhelming. The last week has been so rough on me, I am hoping I have brighter days in the coming future.