I feel like I am constantly moving backwards instead of foward in my grieving process.. well if there is a structure to one.. There was an article another mommy shared in our MEND group that I would like to share:
I read through this and one of the things that stuck out to me the most was this statement:
"Most parents who have lost a child operate at about 10% to 15% of their normal capacity for at least six months. Suggesting that the person "do more" when they can actually do 85% less is insisting that the person do things that gratify the demander -- often at the expense of whatever energy the person has to care for their family and remaining loved ones."
Okay, So I am not crazy. I sit back sometimes and look at everything Brandon does for this family. I have not been putting in my part. Please do not mistake me not being able to, with me not trying. I do try. But I don't think the ordinary person understands how much it takes for me to get out of bed, to function at work, to carry on a conversation. Absolutely nothing, not one thing, feels the same as it did before Lauren passed away. I feel so bad after reading this statement from the article because I know Brandon is experiencing the same pain as I am, but he tries to do anything and everything for me. I feel so fortunate that my husband is exhausting himself to help me out. It really shows his love and dedication to our family. I know we both have a ton on our plates: Caring for Halley, caring for ourselves, keeping the household running, cleaning, taking care of 2 dogs, working, keeping up with other family & whatever few friends we have left, and loving one another. I can say how hard it is to do more than one of those at a time. I sometimes completely zone out when people talk, often because I am deep thoughts.. or when I am driving, I have been thinking and crying, but enjoying that time where I can do that alone and not put the burden on my family. I also completely drop everything when I open my locket and look at Lauren's picture or when my phone lights up with a text message - I can't even see the message itself, only her picture in the background.
I can say I have been concentrating on having conversations with him and Halley though. I think for a while I had even been cutting them out. I mean I could ask them questions or reply but I didn't retain any information and my heart was just not in it. A couple weeks ago we talked about active listening at work, and it showed me - pointed straight out to me, that I had been secluding them and it made my heart hurt worse. How in the world could I do that? I don't know how it was possible for me to shut out the ones that love me the most, but I did it. I curled up in ball. cried every night, and couldn't speak about anything - I just truly miss being so happy. I miss crying tears of joy. I miss Lauren. I miss the love my family felt. Now all we have is heartache.
Then, I started to feel the breezes or the warmth of the sun again. I could hear what my family was telling me. I made it through Halloween. I was cleaning again. But lately, I've noticed that has been slowing down again (hence why I feel like I'm going backwards). I can still hold a conversation.. or at least for a few minutes, but I sometimes feel as though as I cannot function. After reading this article, I realized it isn't just me. I'm not crazy. I got the reassurance that grief is not a simple thing. The good thing is that I do not feel rushed. I am sure some people might want to shake me and tell me "Don't be like this" but it is a good thing they don't, or I am sure I would have a good amount of choice words for them. :)
I think the article would be a good read for anyone going through a loss, or trying to support someone through one. It is not lengthy but it just a good, quick overview of a few things that help/ don't help. I am also in the middle of another book, so hopefully I will be finished soon enough to post what I thought about it.
&& I just want to mention that there is a MEND meeting tonight, which I am thankful I get to attend! I was unable to go to last month's meeting since I was so sick. Being around other mommies that know my heartache helps. It is that reassurance thing that I get, that lets me know I am not alone, I have support, I am not crazy, and what steps I can take to make things a little easier on myself.
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