Happy 1st Birthday to my precious baby girl!
Wow! Time sure has gone by quickly. It really does not seem like it has been a year since I walked into the hospital and was preparing to have you in my arms. I remember being strangely calm before hand, because I just wanted you to be here with us so badly. I didn't start getting scared until Mommy had to enter the room alone, before Daddy could go in with me. That is when my mind started wandering and everything suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember Daddy sitting beside me, I was feeling so sick, crying because I was so scared, the doctors asking me if I was ready, and suddenly hearing the smallest cry! You were here! I was so beyond happy, but I didn't want them to take you away. That first day I only got a glimpse of you. And the second day, I saw you by pictures. I remember calling to check on you as much as possible to see how you were doing, but you were Mommy's little fighter. Soon enough I was up and seeing you, everyone thought I was crazy for moving around so quickly, but the pain did not matter to me. I had to see you; I had to be near you. It was very exhausting for us while you were in the NICU, but there are so many moments we have with you in those short 15 days of your life we will never forget. I am so grateful that all 3 of us had a little bit of time to make some memories with you that will stay with us forever.
Lauren, Mommy is so sad. I am so sad that you are not here with me. It is your 1st Birthday and I don't get to squeeze you and kiss on you like most other Mommies get to do. Daddy is sad too; Today is Father's Day and he doesn't have you to hold. Halley is sad; she is sad because she doesn't get to see her sister grow and learn new things everyday. I just know that you can hear us talking about you every single night, about how you would look like, what your favorite things would be, or just about how happy we would be with you here. We are forever changed as a family. We are changed because we now see things and know things differently than most other people. We are no longer naive. We don't complain about the sun not shining or not getting our way. Instead, We see so much more beauty. We have more kindness and our hearts are forever changed. At this point, I do not know how to put it into words, but I am sure the Mommies of the other Angels you know can relate to exactly what I am talking about.
Today has been a hard day. We had a fabulous party for you today. All of your family was there to celebrate your birthday with us. The cake was so pretty, everyone had a good time, and I bet you loved reading all of those special notes on the balloons that were sent to you. And We can't forget about all those special gifts you got too!
Loosing you was definitely not in our plans. It was something that never came across our minds when we were planning to have you and while preparing for you to come. No matter what anyone tells a person, that person will never be prepared to loose a child. And we weren't. But Lauren, we are trying. We are trying to be happy again. We are all so tired of crying all the time. We know you would want us to be happy, and if you were here we know we would be. Everything we do, we do with you in mind. Everytime there is a beautiful day and there is a butterfly that flutters by, we know that is you showing us you are near.
Everyday we plan to celebrate your life, because you were here. You were born, you deserve to be celebrated and remembered. We will always keep your memory alive. But we will always mourn you leaving us too. There are days that I can look at your pictures and smile, because I can so easily remember what it felt like to have you near. But there are days that I cry and cry, because I can remember what it feels like, but I no longer have you. I do not think I will ever understand why you were taken from us. Why we do not get to see you grow. I will never understand why this happened to us. But I know as much as you, everythime I think I can't make it through the day, You help me. And Thank You for that, I know it is you and you alone that helps me through the roughest moments that I have when I don't share how I feel with others.
Lauren, I hope you are growing. I hope you are as beautiful as I imagine you would be at this age. I hope that my Mom is there holding you, since I can't be. And I can only wish that one day I will really get to see you again.
Happy Birthday sweet girl.
Mommy Loves You. <3
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