So many of you know how long it took us to conceive Lauren, so we were already prepared to endure another long road of TTC. We lost Lauren in July 2011 and I did not think I would be able to handle another pregnancy, especially when I felt like the next one would most likely end in the same way as this one just did. I decided to get on birth control, but that only lasted one month. We then decided that it would take a while for us to conceive so why not try, right? I figured that by the time I got pregnant, I would be able to emotionally handle it. Plus I knew a lot of other Baby Loss Mommas that said their rainbow baby helped them through their grief. I obviously knew that a new baby would not replace Lauren in any way, shape, or form, and that was not my intention at any point, but my body and my mind could not understand why I was not doing my motherly duties to a newborn after I carried my child for 9 months. Anyways, I was going through a tough time emotionally because of Lauren's death, wanting to have a child so badly, and also trying to decide if I wanted to see a geneticist to see if our future children would have the same prognosis as Lauren did.
Now here we are another 2 years later and I still don't have a baby in my arms. It's tough. Brandon, Halley, and I are longing for a child. There is not a day that does by where we aren't talking about our hopes of having another baby. So after we hit our 2 year mark ttc and not having any success, I decided to take it to the next step. It was time to finally start seeing a fertility specialist. In September I found a great doctor's office and our appointments began so quickly! Halley was probably the most excited. She doesn't know how babies are made yet, but she understands that it is not happening for us, and these doctors will hopefully help us have a baby.
So September was pretty much just giving us our game plan, letting me know what test I would undergo and what would happen on each day of my cycles.
October rolled around and it was time to begin! October was such a hectic month, that is when I visited their office the most.. more than 7 times that month! I got my baseline sonogram done and I was started on Clomid 100mg for cd 3-7. After that I had an HSG, blood taken, more sonograms, told when to do the "baby dance" etc. October ended and unfortunately, did not end in success for us. I thought that in November we would move onto have an IUI but we decided to try another month on our own, just with the medication and monitoring of course.
November came and now went. I had such high hopes for November. More than I ever had in October. My husband is a very optimist person, so he thought month #1 would be a success, but I am more a realist and knew that most likely it would be several. Anyways, my Clomid dosage was bumped to 150mg and I took it cd 4-8. My body works really slowly so I usually have to go in 2-3 times to have my follicles measured to see if they are ready to go. This month it took 2 times to be measured. I went in on Thursday, November 14th and they were not matured enough yet, so I went back on Saturday, November 16th. I had 4 matured follicles! Seriously, I was so excited. I know that some people would not want to take the risk of multiples and some doctors would ask their patients to skip that particular month... but I was not about to waste a month! My doctor asked if I was absolutely sure.. more than once ha, but I said go for it! I figured I wouldn't have multiples, but maybe I have 4x the chances of getting just one fertilized. So I got my Ovidrel trigger shot (like the month before too) so that way I would ovulate the next day.
Maybe I never really noticed ovulation or maybe I didn't really ever ovulate properly (My progesterone level in October was an 8) but boy did I feel it in November. Well, of course I was counting down the dpo and checking for any and all symptoms.. I decided to test at 9dpo which I knew was extremely early, but I couldn't help it, I was so anxious to know. It was negative. Bring on the depression. Ugh. I thought, okay maybe it is too early. I test at 12dpo.. negative. Ugh.
You would think you would get used to having negatives month after month after month.. but you don't. It is such an awful feeling every time you get one. I am sad that I have to tell Halley that it didn't work this month again, because she has kept up with everyone of my appointments and talks about it. I know, I know, it will happen one day... One day just can't come soon enough.
So I am not sure if I will be able to do more treatments in December due to the holidays, plus Clomid caused my lining to thin and I will not be able to be on it any more, so I will have to try a new medication and I am not really sure the cost on that yet. I really want to do another round this month but we will just have to see.
Send me some Baby Dust! :D
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