Absent

Well, I have not written in forever. Every day I think about writing but I just come to my blog and stare at the empty space where my words are supposed to be. I suppose lately I just have no had the strength to write. I just have so much building up inside of me, and I feel like I am breaking down. This isn't new though... I guess I should be used to feeling this way by now - over ridden with anxiety and depression, but each day feels different.

 

Since my last post was about Christmas, I should start with New Years Eve. It was a Saturday, so I was off. I spent the entire day alone and just lounged on the couch. By the time 4pm came around, my emotions came crashing down on me and I just felt like I had to get out. I went to a clothing store and browsed for a while, spent over $100, and came back home. I started to get ready and then had a major breakdown. I was in such a horrible mood, did not want to talk to anyone, and just wanted to lay in bed alone... to cry. We did have plans for the night, to hang out with my family at my sister's house. Everyone was cooking and bringing something, it was a get together where everyone would have their kids and it should have been a good time. Brandon cooked his catfish that he was dying to eat and had everything else prepared. I had a meltdown. A BIG one. I laid in bed, could not get up, and was hysterically crying. Halley went to my sisters and Brandon took the food to my sister's and came back home to lay in bed with me as I cried. I cried for hours, and then felt the urge to get away again. I left the house alone and drove around the community to look at Christmas lights. I came home and cried some more. Eventually, probably 30 minutes before midnight, I stopped. There wasn't anything specific that caused my breakdown, but the whole month of December was horrible on me emotionally. On top of that, I could not handle celebrating anything when I didn't have Lauren with me.

January 17th came around and it was time for me to see an Endocrinologist. Back in October I got strep throat and the doctor nearly freaked out as she was feeling my neck. I haven't had my blood checked in years, so she thought it would be best if I did. Of course I didn't. I knew there was a problem with my body & health, but I just did not care enough to get my blood drawn. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, I could hardly get myself out of bed, walk, pretty much function day to day at all. In December I decided to get my blood work done and the results came back showing that I have "Extreme" Hypo-thyroid. I made my appointment with a new doctor on January 17th and was prescribed medication. I figured it was helping me a little bit, but now that 7 weeks has passed, I really don’t feel too different. I am hoping my medication will be altered this Wednesday when I see her again. I am also seeing a second doctor later on Wednesday because I am having a few more problems that I am hoping I can get help with fixing.

February brought Valentine's Day. I can say I actually enjoyed it. I was nervous, as I am with every holiday that comes and goes, but I was surprised that I had a nice day. I worked from 9:30-6pm. I was overjoyed to see that my husband sent a beautiful arrangement of flowers and a box of chocolate covered strawberries to me. Once we got home, Halley gave a pretty letter & drawing. From there we took Lauren her Valentine's flowers and balloons. We spent a while with Lauren, enjoying the beautiful breeze and talking with her. Finally, we went to Texas Land & Cattle to finish off our night with a great dinner. Definitely a great day.

Well, that was a lot to catch up on, and that wasn't even everything! I have just been feeling like the days are passing me by. I am just in pain physically, mentally exhausted, emotionally damaged, and depressed. It has been a long, trying road lately, but I have hope things will start to look up for us...eventually. <3