Capture Your Grief - Day 17

Day 17 - Time:



It has been too long since I've held her. <3

Capture Your Grief - Day 16

Day 16 - Seasons:

Every season is awful with Lauren. There is a holiday in every season and when you celebrate it with your other child, you can't help but wonder what it could have been like. Then everything you are missing out on is right in front of you.

Capture Your Grief - Day 15

Day 15 - Wave Of Light:

Tonight I lit a candle that I keep on our mantle next to Lauren's scrapbook and two of the bears she kept by her bedside. Tonight I not only remember Lauren, but also all other children gone too soon. <3

Capture Your Grief - Day 14

Day 14: Family

We are a family of four. Not everyone knows when they see Brandon, Halley, & I together, they of course assume it's a family of three. Everyday we try to incorporate her into our lives. Everyone else may not know, but we do. <3

Capture Your Grief - Day 13

Day 13 - Books

I read both of these books after Lauren died. I bought a total of 4 immediately after, but I never had the chance to read them all. These two were amazing books though. I would recommend them to anyone who has lost a child.

Capture Your Grief - Day 12

Day 12 - Article:

I have actually linked a great article on my blog before but it was way back in February 2012. This described my pain exactly! Here it is again:

Here is the link, but I am also posting it below:
http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/

"You don’t know what to expect.

People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.

And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.

Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.

You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all."

Capture Your Grief - Day 9

Day 9 - Music:

There has been several songs that I related to through my grief, but I will share my favorite two.

Capture Your Grief - Day 8

Day 8 - Colour:

Crazy Daisies are bright, colorful flowers that we always put with Lauren. I'm not really sure why we first started putting these with her, but they are our favorite type of flowers to leave with her. The bright multi-colors just fit the best. I love the blues and pinks. We always make sure to get the ones with the most variations of colors! So anytime I see bright colors, it reminds me of the crazy daisies we always take her and I instantly want to go take her more! 

Capture Your Grief - Day 7

Day 7 - You Now:

As of now, I'm still struggling with my grief. I was hit with depression.. Hard. I think just recently, maybe 6 months ago, it started to get better for me. I still have heavy waves of grief that come, but I can tell a difference from a few months after she passed & now. I still think of her every day, but now I'm able to smile sometimes. Before it was completely fake and I just did it to look normal, now I can confidently say I have good days. Now I can look at her pictures and small amount of belongings & it not be like a sharp knife to the heart. I'm thankful it has started to change. I'm glad I can talk about her without bawling my eyes out.. That way people know I'm okay talking about her! I think I've struggled with explaining to people I'm not the same person as I was before Lauren died. Now that the heavy grief is a little lighter, I think I can begin to work on finding myself and loving myself again. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 6/ Walk to Remember

Day 6 - Rituals:

Every year we attend a Walk To Remember, which is a remembrance ceremony that hundreds of families attend to remember their sweet babies. 

Our first one we attended was just 3 months after Lauren passed away. I enjoy going to these because I feel free to cry without judgment. I feel like I'm not alone & there are other people who understand the horrible hurt I feel. 

This year was our third to attend and it makes 2 years and 3 months since Lauren died. It was not any easier or less painful this year. I cried the entire time. 

It just isn't fair. 

Anyways, my family and friends attend with us to show their love and support. 

Here are some pictures! 

Capture Your Grief - Day 5

Day 5 - Memory:

My favorite memories of Lauren is every one of the 15 days she was alive and we got to spend with her. She made Halley a big sister, Brandon a daddy, & me a mommy of 2 beautiful girls. Every day we drove 45 minutes to the hospital to spend hours with her in the morning to let Halley spend time with her sister & every evening we drove back those 45 minutes for mommy & daddy time. We got to read to her, hold her, sing to her, and change her diaper. Our time was short but atleast we have that. We made memories we will keep forever. "As long as I'm living, My Baby you'll be." <3 

Capture Your Grief - Day 4

Day 4 - Legacy:

Lauren's legacy to me is... Her life. And The memories I will always have of her. She is taught me more things than I could have ever imagined. And my growth and changes will forever be because of her. "While remembering those days as the saddest of our lives we can at the same time remember them as the most beautiful..." 

Capture Your Grief - Day 3

Day 3 - Myths:

"Everything happens for a reason" 

 "She is in a better place"

No parent should ever have to bury their child. The best place for my child would be in my arms, in my home, for me to watch her grow. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 2

Day 2 - Identity:

Lauren Isabelle Autry is my youngest daughter's name. She was born on Friday, June 17, 2011 at 37 weeks via C-section. She had a condition called Campomelic Dysplasia. Despite odds against her, she was born strong and proved to everyone she was a fighter. She surprised people day after day on how well she was doing. Loosing her was so unexpected. She was our little miracle baby after trying so hard to conceive for so long. She died on the early morning of July 2, 2011. She lived for 15 beautiful days. Not a day goes by where she is not missed. <3

Capture Your Grief 2013

October starts Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and Dwarfism Awareness Month! These two subjects are very dear to my heart. I have mentioned the beautiful work Carly Marie does before on my blog and she is the creator of these Capture Your Grief projects. I did about half entries last year, so I am going to try to do a few more this year! With that being said, I did not wake up early enough to capture yesterdays sunrise, so my first entry will be for day 2. For more information, you can check out her website here: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html