When You Lose A Baby

Another baby loss momma found this blog entry and shared it to our M.E.N.D. group & her facebook page. I cried when I read it. It really hits close to home and expresses alot of emotions that many baby loss mommas feel.

Here is the link, but I am also posting it below:
http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/

"You don’t know what to expect.

People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.

And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.

Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.

You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all."

Lauren's Flowers

I haven't posted any pictures of the flowers we took to Lauren since Christmas, I believe, so that is what this post is dedicated too - Here is some of her flowers from January & February. :)  <3

Absent

Well, I have not written in forever. Every day I think about writing but I just come to my blog and stare at the empty space where my words are supposed to be. I suppose lately I just have no had the strength to write. I just have so much building up inside of me, and I feel like I am breaking down. This isn't new though... I guess I should be used to feeling this way by now - over ridden with anxiety and depression, but each day feels different.

 

Since my last post was about Christmas, I should start with New Years Eve. It was a Saturday, so I was off. I spent the entire day alone and just lounged on the couch. By the time 4pm came around, my emotions came crashing down on me and I just felt like I had to get out. I went to a clothing store and browsed for a while, spent over $100, and came back home. I started to get ready and then had a major breakdown. I was in such a horrible mood, did not want to talk to anyone, and just wanted to lay in bed alone... to cry. We did have plans for the night, to hang out with my family at my sister's house. Everyone was cooking and bringing something, it was a get together where everyone would have their kids and it should have been a good time. Brandon cooked his catfish that he was dying to eat and had everything else prepared. I had a meltdown. A BIG one. I laid in bed, could not get up, and was hysterically crying. Halley went to my sisters and Brandon took the food to my sister's and came back home to lay in bed with me as I cried. I cried for hours, and then felt the urge to get away again. I left the house alone and drove around the community to look at Christmas lights. I came home and cried some more. Eventually, probably 30 minutes before midnight, I stopped. There wasn't anything specific that caused my breakdown, but the whole month of December was horrible on me emotionally. On top of that, I could not handle celebrating anything when I didn't have Lauren with me.

January 17th came around and it was time for me to see an Endocrinologist. Back in October I got strep throat and the doctor nearly freaked out as she was feeling my neck. I haven't had my blood checked in years, so she thought it would be best if I did. Of course I didn't. I knew there was a problem with my body & health, but I just did not care enough to get my blood drawn. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, I could hardly get myself out of bed, walk, pretty much function day to day at all. In December I decided to get my blood work done and the results came back showing that I have "Extreme" Hypo-thyroid. I made my appointment with a new doctor on January 17th and was prescribed medication. I figured it was helping me a little bit, but now that 7 weeks has passed, I really don’t feel too different. I am hoping my medication will be altered this Wednesday when I see her again. I am also seeing a second doctor later on Wednesday because I am having a few more problems that I am hoping I can get help with fixing.

February brought Valentine's Day. I can say I actually enjoyed it. I was nervous, as I am with every holiday that comes and goes, but I was surprised that I had a nice day. I worked from 9:30-6pm. I was overjoyed to see that my husband sent a beautiful arrangement of flowers and a box of chocolate covered strawberries to me. Once we got home, Halley gave a pretty letter & drawing. From there we took Lauren her Valentine's flowers and balloons. We spent a while with Lauren, enjoying the beautiful breeze and talking with her. Finally, we went to Texas Land & Cattle to finish off our night with a great dinner. Definitely a great day.

Well, that was a lot to catch up on, and that wasn't even everything! I have just been feeling like the days are passing me by. I am just in pain physically, mentally exhausted, emotionally damaged, and depressed. It has been a long, trying road lately, but I have hope things will start to look up for us...eventually. <3