Right about now I really need to curl up into a little ball and just cry. I haven't posted in a while and to be honest I have been wanting to post, probably just about every day, but I just haven't mustered up the strength. It is very likely that I haven't because I just don't want to face all of the emotions I have been bottling up. I know, I know, it is very unhealthy to bottle everything up - I have heard it a thousand times, but I can't help it. It is just the way I am built.
Life lately has been rough. Very rough. I would say it has been rough since Lauren's first birthday. Heck, I could say since my entire pregnancy because that would be a true statement, but I think everyone now expects me to be "moved on" by now, or somewhat passed the intial shock of grief and able to function daily. In a way, sometimes I think I would be a little "better" by now too. So I think it is more difficult for me now to share the amount of grief I am still currently dealing with, with everyone around me. Most of the time I feel completely and totally insane because I could probably lay in bed and cry all day. I think to myself that it has been over a year, I want another child, shouldn't the sting be a little less painful by now? Then I think I need medication, or a counseler, or sleep, or anything and that may help with my mood. I don't mope around the house all day or anyuthing, I go to work, in fact, I work 9-11 on average daily lately, then come home, spend time with Halley, then lay down and watch TV all night. I could probably spend the time working out, or something else productive, but usually I am pretty numb at the end of the day and can't handle anything else. Does this sound familiar? I feel like I've been singing this same tune for a year now.
Right now I am up way past my bedtime watching My Sister's Keeper. I have seen this movie several times and cry throughout the entire movie. This is what compelled me to make an entry, even though I am not saying much. There is just so many things that have hit close to home that I did not pay attention to before. For instance this: It's hard to imagine now, that there was a time before all this happened, when the kids were just kids and everyone was happy." or “If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?” I have been wanting to tell people about this camp that Halley went to with therapists to help her deal with her grief for a week. I know the week really helped Halley. She told me about several difficult times she had while remembering Lauren, which I will expand on when I write about her time at camp.
I am always thinking of what I am missing with Lauren. I know this will never go away. But everyday is still the same. Each day something new comes up that I am missing about her. To say the least, a lot of the time I feel like I am cracking under the pressure of attempting normalcy. I guess we can only wait to see what damage that will cause for me, because I am sure that is inevitable since I am constantly pushing away my emotions for another time.
In other news, Brandon and I have been ttc again, since October actually, but still no luck. I knew at the beginning I just would not be emotionally ready, even though Brandon knew right away he wanted to continue to try. While I was pregnant with Lauren I said that I would not again, that I just could not deal with this pain again. But what do you do when there is such a strong desire to have a family. When your entire family would want another addition. When you waited until the time was right. I did not know how much I would long to hear a baby's cry break the silence in the midnight hour. I would give anything to have that right now. I would give anything to be exhausted from the labor of love, constant feedings, and to see that precious face. Having that desire is what gave me the strength to try again. At first each month I would be freaking out, not knowing which way my emotions would spin once I found out we were pregnant. But it is still the waiting game. I am back to the disappointing feeling each month. I mean it is hard enough dealing with grief and depression, but to add the feeling of disappointment because your body can't give you what you want most. I am almost positive it will take us another 2 plus years to conceive again. Right now we are at 10 months and counting. I think Facebook increases my anxiety when each day someone else announces their pregnancy and I don't get to share in their joy. Of course I am happy for each person, but I want that for us again. I want joy again.
I think I have blurted out enough for tonight. There is so much more I need to update on, so hopefully I can make time in the near future to catch up!
