This year it was just the three of us that went to visit Lauren. I didn't invite anyone else. Sometimes I feel like if I invite, some people feel obligated to go so they don't hurt my feelings... I don't know, Maybe it is just the way I think. Sometimes I don't think anyone still cares, even though in my heart I know that isn't true. That is depression for you though. It is a constant battle with myself and my feelings.
Because of the way I was feeling, I just wanted to be alone. I feel different on her angelversary than I do on her birthday. I think on her birthday I want to celebrate her and her life and her entering our lives. On this day, I feel much sadder. Of course I am sad on her birthday because I am faced with everything we are missing out on because she isn't here, but on this day, I am overwhelmed with sadness. This is the day she was taken away from me. This is the day our fight was over. All I remember is the heartache.
This year I did not get the luxury of missing work - I felt as though I would loose my job if I missed. I don't think my boss understands. So I went to work.. miserable. I am always so thankful to have Brandon there to talk to, or in this case, text. Poor him. He is hurting too, but is always there to comfort me and help me with my off the chart emotions.
After work, Brandon, Halley, & I went to party city to blow up a few balloons and then go visit Lauren. Of course we had to being sparklers for her too! She died close to July 4th and that so happens to be Brandon's favorite holiday too, so it is only fitting that she gets to have a piece of that too. Overall, it was a good night. A good night for us three to bond some more; To sit with Lauren, enjoy each other's company, talk to Lauren, talk about what we miss, how much we wish we still had her, and just take the time to still be thankful we had her for those 15 days.
