Happy 4th of July Lauren!

July 4th has been extremely depressing the last 2 years. I think because I was just so excited to have Lauren so close to July 4th. We had her 1st July 4th outfit and bows picked out for her. I was hoping I would be able to put her outfit on her and snap a picture of her... but we didn't make it that far. I remember our 1st July 4th without her was excruciating. But, I made it through for Halley. I felt like if I didn't participate, I would scar her for life or something. It was by no means, a celebration. This year was about the same. I was in a bad mood, really annoyed, and anxious. I did not care to see fireworks. It is right after Lauren's Angelversary, so I'm not really in a joyous mood. I chose to let Brandon and Halley go buy a small supply of fireworks as I laid on the couch. I had planned for a month to go visit Lauren on July 4th, since I bought her something to leave with her. Instantly, I was not in the mood anymore, instead I felt like curling in a ball and not moving for the day. Eventually I could not resist anymore and as sad as I was, I still went out there. We took Lauren some sparklers, lit them, and just thought about how'd she might have enjoyed them. There was no one around us, or they might have thought we were crazy (like when we attempted to let lanterns go and that failed horribly). We enjoyed the few minutes the sparklers stayed lit, didn't get caught by security this time, and finally decided it was time to leave. I ended the night back in my spot on the couch, while Halley and Brandon went out to pop their fireworks. I don't know if there will be a time that I'll enjoy holidays again, but eh, who needs them anyway. Here are a couple of pictures from Lauren's July 4th:

Lauren's 1st Angelversary

July 2nd was Lauren's 1st Angelversary. I was very sad on this day - definitely more than any other usual day. We wanted to do something to recognize what the day meant to us. We invited my family out to meet us at the cemetery about when it was starting to get dark. I was really set on letting lanterns go. I think that every year we are going to alternate doing different things for her birthday and angelversary. We bought 10 from a website, all different bright colors. I had to work this day, even though I had my heart set on not. I've been really busy at work, so I really did not have much of a choice. But since I was busy, the day went by somewhat fast. When I arrived home, I walked into a sweet surprise. The MEND group that offers so much support, sent a rose to my house in remembrance of Lauren. Once I got home, I rested for 5 minutes and then headed to the cemetery to meet family. We attempted them that night but it didn't go as planned. We think it might have been too windy. We were also scared that it was going to start a fire - it was pretty hilarious and scary! Brandon and I are still going to try it on another, less windy day. Again Thank You to everyone who texted me, messaged me, wrote on my wall, sent something to us, sent thoughts our way, and to those who visited Lauren on this day with us. Here are some pictures below of our attempt:

Letting lanterns go reminds me of the Disney movie, Tangled. I love this scene from Tangled. I love even more the meaning of the lyrics. It is like how I feel about Lauren. It is a very sweet song. :)

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

&

And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you

Happy 1st Birthday Lauren!

June 17th was a hard day this year. A year ago when I imagined Lauren's 1st birthday, I imagined tons of laughter, presents, an awesome party, and spending precious time with my baby girl. I thought I would have experienced her 1st milestones - her teeth growing in, taking her first steps, and even brushing her hair and dressing her! Nothing came out as I expected when I first found out about her growing inside of me. As strong as I tried to be on her birthday, I still broke down. The entire week before was exhausting. I went through another no sleep phase. I was crying every night again. Planning her birthday party was just not as joyful as I would have liked, but I still wanted to make sure she had one. I know that even if no one chose to be with us on that day, the three of us would have been still celebrating her. To be honest, I was not sure what everyone would think of having a birthday party for her - but I have never been one to care what others think, so I still made an evite and sent it out. We chose to have her party at the cemetery. Where she is buried, it is mostly empty, so we knew we would not be crowding anyone. Plus the 2 plots next to Lauren are ours as well. There is also a large covered area pretty close to where Lauren is, and we thought with the Texas June heat, it would be pretty decent. We had subway catered, my best friend my Lauren's cake, and my family even brought gifts! I completely did not expect any gifts and I thought it was just the sweetest thing! Everyone ate, I brought the scrapbook I made for Lauren so everyone was looking through that, we sang Happy Birthday to her, ate cake, open presents, and did a balloon release! Having so many people around to express their love and support was just the best way we could have celebrated. I know that Lauren felt all the love around her! Thank you so much to everyone that came out and spent Lauren's birthday with us celebrating her life! Looking back, I got to give her a birthday with a great party, presents, laughter, and a lot of love. <3