Gabriel's Garden Photos

Thank you Gabriel's Garden for helping me remember Lauren all year around! :)

 

Above is from St. Patty's Day!

 

Above is from Easter!

Their Website: http://babyangelgarden.blogspot.com/

Easter 2013

Yeah, I know I am over a month late, but hey, I'm here now! :)

 

How was everyone's Easter? I know holidays are hectic and if you have ever lost anyone in your life, holidays are the hardest to deal with.

 

Our Easter was actually nice this year. It has been awhile since we had a large family Easter. We went to the lake, cooked out, and had a fabulous time with the great weather we were having.

 

After the lake, we made sure to go take flowers to Lauren, along with her Easter Basket. It is always hard to find things to put in her basket, because well, most things are candies or toys or for older children. We ended up getting her bubbles, like we always take her, little bunny parachute men, which Brandon loves to play with, a little wind-chime to add to her tree, and a few other small things. I am not sure when I'll stop taking things to her, but I do know it will not be anytime soon. She is still My Baby! (&& Almost 2!)

 

Halley had a great idea this year. In addition to her small goodies we did put in her basket, Halley made sure to pack empty plastic eggs. She wanted us all to write 2 notes to Lauren telling her something... like we missed her or hope she was having a good Easter in Heaven, etc.

 

We spent some time there, took pictures, and headed back home.

It is really tough to go somewhere to "visit" your child and have to leave every time without them again. I am still glad I chose to bury her and I love our cemetery, but I don't know that it ever really gets easier, as everyone says.

 

Anyways, I wanted to share our pictures!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Dreams

Last night I had such a happy dream... I dreamt about having another baby! I sometimes do have these types of dreams, but they usually just make me more sad. Last night's was different.  I was in the hospital and obviously had another c-section because I hadn't seen my baby yet.. I can see myself walking to the baby nursery bed, and I got to pick the baby up. It was a boy! I really felt the overwhelming love! I looked at him and saw all Brandon. He was wearing a small breathing tube but it wasn't anything critical. I remember holding him and having Brandon next to me and all my family in the room with smiles in their face. I woke up smiling! It felt so real! One day... I just cannot wait until that day comes around! 

Long time no see!

Goodness! It seems like it has been forever since I last posted anything... SO much has been happening lately, it feels like I don't have much time to even think..

So in December, Halley's father was going to get her for this Christmas holiday. This was going to be my very first Christmas morning to wake up without Halley, so I was very emotional about it since Thanksgiving, when I found out. I was having really bad anxiety because I was just so upset that I would not have Halley or Lauren to celebrate Christmas morning with. This was only going to be Lauren's second Christmas, and I just felt blind-sided by this. Anyways, we decided that we would celebrate our Christmas a week before.

The day before our planned Christmas, someone broke into our home. I have never felt so violated. Our area has never given us any concerns and is not know to be troublesome. When we first got the call, we figured it was just our garage door that blew open- nothing serious. But, we came to realize that someone did in fact break our living room window, knocked over our Christmas tree, and started to try and take things. I guess the alarm caught them off guard and they were attempting to move quickly. They were going after the game systems we have in our living room. They pulled everything from its place, but I guess that is when they heard my husband drive up. It was a huge ordeal - but they really only got away with my laptop and Halley's new ipod. They did open a couple of presents to see what they were, but the ones they opened were dolls and such, so they passed them over. I was thankful for that! We also had to pay for a new window replacement and throw away our Christmas tree; that was pretty sad. That kind of ruined our Christmas. It just did not feel the same at all. The next day we just went ahead and starting packing up our decorations. If you know us, that should show you how bummed we were, becuase we like to keep Christmas around as long as possible!

Overall, Halley enjoyed her Christmas. She got a ton of goodies from us, went and celebrated with her father, and then got to open gifts from her aunt and cousins.

The biggest obstacle we are facing lately is Halley having nightmares. It started since the night we were broken into. If your child has ever had a nightmare before, you know you never get sleep on those nights. Well, with Halley, this has been happening EVERY NIGHT. Yep - it is now passed the middle of February and has been going on since the middle of December. I almost totally lost it. I was so lost and confused as a mother since I just could not help her. I knew she was scared, I mean who wouldn't be right? The first couple of nights we let her sleep in our room on the floor just becuase she was way too frightened to be in her room alone. But she just refused to go to sleep in her room. Every night it was like she was clinging to us. She would cry all night - would not even shut her eyes. She was screaming - yelling our names and asking for us to let her come in our room. We tried keeping her nightlight on, then added her closet light being on.. we checked every room every night in front of her, checked every window, told her the alarm was set, kept our door open...but that was just not enough. Still the crying and nightmares were coming. It did not matter how much we talked to her, tried to comfort her, she was just not sleeping unlesss she was with us. She said every time she closed her eyes she would start to have a bad dream. She was getting frustrated and mad with herself - she said she knew she was 8 and she should be able to sleep on her own like she did for the years before, but just now she couldn't. I knew that I just did not know how to help her. I thought the best thing was to get Halley a therapist.

Halley really took a liking to a therapist before when we went to a family weekend grief camp and when she went to a week long summer grief camp herself, so I thought that this was just something we had to try. After a little bit of digging, I found one that I felt comfortable with. I got to meet her and have a session with her to discuss Halley a bit before bringing her in. At first, Halley wasn't thrilled with the idea and said she did not think it would help... but after about 2 sessions, she started to look forward to it! She has completed about 6 sessions now - she goes to 1 per week. I can definitely see progress with her. I know that anxiety is hard to deal with and I think her having an outlet is such a huge benefit. I got to have about a 15 minute session with her therapist today to talk about her future plans with Halley, and what we are going to work on in the next 2 months to really help Halley feel comfortable at home again. I was told that the average nightmares a person has is about 1 per month, but Halley was having about 3 per week! She also told me that at last week's session, Halley said she did not have 1 in that 6 day period from seeing her last. That is a major improvement! So, I have high hopes and think that it is well worth it. She also told me that besides Halley's anxiety, she is a really happy child. I, of course, loved hearing that!

But yeah, I think that is the biggest issue we have been facing lately. Other than that, I am just busy with work 24/7. It is getting pretty old again, and stressful, but I try to stay as positive as I can. I just hate that my laptop was stolen. We have a couple of desktops and an ipad, but it is just not the same as my laptop. Especially after sitting at a desk all day, the last thing I want to do is come home and sit at another desk. So that is why I have been abandoning my blog basically- ha. Hopefully soon everything will slow down, and I'll get another laptop, and I'll be a semi-happy-ish gal again. :)

Until next time.... Goodnight!

Thank You

A few nights ago, we read all the letters that were sent to us for Lauren's stocking! I was in tears. It may sound a little cheesy, but it was so great to read about the kind things everyone did and the sweet words they wrote to us. To each of you, I appreciate it more than you know. You are helping me keep my baby girl's memory alive and it's beautiful to see other people remember Lauren. I feel so amazing when I realize how much love and support we have. So again, thank you for taking the time to remember my daughter and giving my family comfort this holiday season. I am extremely grateful. <3 <3 This weekend I will make an entry giving some details on the letters we received. 

Lauren's Letters from 2012 Stocking Project

Oh My Goodness, I just realized I did not post letters from last year! I was thinking about when I am going to post about Lauren's Stocking Project for 2013 and was looking through my previous posts when I noticed. So I thought tonight would be a good night! Like 2011, I am going to only insert a few sentences or so from each letter. Also, here is the link to 2011 Letters to Lauren: http://autry-family.blogspot.com/2012/01/christmas-day-with-letters-for-laurens_1189.html 

Here we go:

Tiffany E. & Friends: Tiffany shared our family's story with some of her friends and they decided to do a group project! They ended up collection over 20 toys for Toy for Tots! "You have inspired so many people with your story of courage through such a hard time! Hope our small act of kindness brings some joy to your hearts!"

Nora A.: Nora donated 4 toys to Toys for Tots: 3 boy toys & 1 "very special little girl princess tea set". "Hope your holidays are filled with joy with everyone remembering your little girl. I'm glad I got a chance to celebrate her life with you."

Rori C.: "made a donation to a special fund for a family in need this holiday. I'm also making an extra donation to MEND in her memory."

David V.: Donated $20 to a homeless person

Nolvia V.: "Back in June, Jacob's Angelversary was the 27th. Friends and Family gathered that day and brought us stuffed animals, and I knew right away I wanted them in honor of my baby boy and all the other angels! Therefore when I take the stuffed animals, Lauren's name will be there along with Jacob's."

Katherine C. & Family: Donated to make a wish foundation, bought bears & donted the to the battered woman's shelter, & paid off someone's layaway!

Jessica O.: "I want to wish y'all a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year. I'm so proud of how strong y'all are..... Continue keeping your heads up high...."

Emily C. & Family: Donated to March of Dimes. "I hope your grief today is not too hard on you and you have a joyful stress free day."

Missy S.: "You, Landon, and all of these angel babies are not forgotten and are saving future children of the world with your story. Your little life has definitely made an impact on me and I can say it has helped me be a more compassionate and loving person."

Danielle N. & Family: "We prayed for someone we don't really like and don't get along with. This was a little harder then I thought it was going to be. It sounds all easy until you get to the doing part. It takes overcoming your issues. I think we were blessed by doing this. We did this in memory of Lauren."

Monica V.: She helped a young woman buy some clothing essentials .The woman was going through a difficult time and just made her journey to Texas from Central America. :She cried with emotion & I cried. She gave me lots of hugs. I don't think I have ever felt that much joy and sadness at the same time."

Adrianna N.: Let people in front of her in traffic and different lines, brought hot cocoa to the Salvation Army bell ringers, donated to an animal shelter, worked at the animal shelter and soup kitchen, and also donated decorations to a cemetery for the Baby Land area. :When I felt mad, sad, overwhelmed, or guilty I did something in honor of our babies. So thank you for helping me through this holiday season."

Esmeralda M.: "I just want to say you are such a strong person in having to go through this. Nobody should ever have to deal with it. I can't say I know what it's like, but I know it can change you forever. Hope you and your family enjoy the holidays."

Bianca G.: Passed by a Santa passing out candy but instead of taking candy, she gave the Santa a scratch off. "It's better to give then receive! I did this in memory of Baby Lauren who's celebrating with the angels. I'm sure she would of brought many smiles to all our faces."

Jenalea J.: Brought a Salvation Army bell ringer a Starbucks coupon for a free drink. "I think of you guys and sweet Lauren a lot since she died just a few days before Baby Marc. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas."

Delilah B.: Her and her fiancé helped deliver bikes to less fortunate kids. "May God give you peace and comfort."

Teena Z.: Teena & her family travelled to Atlanta where they encountered several homeless people. "We realized that as tourists we had so many snacks and waters we had accumulated and in fact did not need. It was then that we decided to package some sandwiches, yogurts, waters, and fruit to give to any homeless individual we came into contact with." They then encountered someone to give their package of goodies too, which was extremely grateful. "I felt inspired to share this story with you, because it simply goes to show that no matter how small the act of kindness, it truly does go a long way. WE have chosen to be a blessing to others just as your family has been as well."

Angie, Justin, & Caleb A.: They helped a family of 8 during a very difficult financial time. They helped pay off some bills, took them grocery shopping, helped with one of the child's birthday party, and also helped with their Christmas. " So, that is our act of kindness this year. To help a family that has also been through a loss of children and tried so hard to keep life happy for the other kids. ...  It's all about paying the good will forward. So, in honor of little Lauren and anyone that's ever been generous to others, known or random, know that we are doing our parts whenever we can, not just at Christmas. And, thanks to you all for reminding others to do so as well."

Jacob G.: "Lauren you are always going to have a special place in my heart. I hope that the time that we do get to meet again we will have the chance to get close and I will be able to show you the love and attention you deserve. I love you Lauren."

Yajaira F.: "When you're faced with a challenge you can either face it or take the easy way out. I never told your mom this but I thought her decision to give you life was crazy brave. Her love for you transcended all realms. ... The void left by your absence is felt everyday but I hope you can see that from Heaven."

Rodriguez Family: They bought 4 presents for a little 2 year old girl. "When I went to take her parents the gifts, I told them about Lauren & why we do the RAOK in honor of Lauren. They were very grateful, Lauren did not only touch my life, she has touched many loves in all the RAOK." ... "Being sisters is a beautiful blessing, you two will always be sisters here & in Heaven. I saw a picture your sister drew recently & you were exactly how I picture you, a beautiful angel with wings watching over them. Thank you for surrounding all of us with your love and memory."

Mendez Family: Made a monetary gift to The Salvation Army. "I am thankful for the time we all had with you, including your special family. Your family is one of the best. I love how they keep you alive within us and how much they speak of you. Halley is such a great big sis, your parents - Great ones! No matter what, they are always smiling. I wish our sweet angel a Merry Christmas, I bet it's beautiful there."

<3

Our 2012 RAOKs

This year we decided that we wanted to donate to a charity or organization. I was really hard to choose just 1! We went ahead and made a donation to the following:

MEND - I feel like it was only right to make this part of our donations this year. If not for mend, I would not have learned about your family or others that have provided my family with so much support. On days where things are really tough for me, I know there is also someone that I can talk to and someone that is apart of MEND will understand my pain.

COOKS - Cook Children's is the hospital Lauren was at for the majority of her short life. The care was astounding and even after Lauren passed away, they have reached out to my family and still provide support in so many ways. Cooks will forever be apart of my heart. I know many other moms that have had their children cared by the staff at Cooks and we really just wanted to give a little back.

STRANGER - I heard about a family that recently lost their home due to a fire from another blm, Priscilla. Priscilla wrote: " Imagine waking up this morning to find out that your home had completely burned down and everything is gone. Unfortunately, that's the type of loss a friend is currently dealing with. With the hustle and bustle of the "Giving Season," could you spare $10? I will be matching donations up to $100. This amazing courageous BLM has 5 children, the youngest is 6 months, and her and her husband run their business from their home, so that is also gone. Please comment or message me for the paypal address." I knew that in a hard time, I would be so grateful of anyone willing to help. This is the reason we made a donation to her and her family. I really wish that even though the times are tough, they are able to still have a Happy Holiday.

<3