Thanksgiving

Today was tough. There was so many times I wanted to just break down, but fortunetly I held it together, for the most part. I miss her. What else can I say that is different? Nothing, because that is how I feel. Ugh grief is hard. Unfair and Hard.

My day started by going to the gym for a little bit. I am trying to motivate myself to get back to the size I was. It is hard when you suddenly do not care what you look like but know it is a not a good look. I feel like my weight is one tiny portion of something that can make me a little happier if I can get to where I want, so I figured I would put some effort into this time. Anyways, then I headed to the grocery store with my sister. At the end of our grocery shopping adventure we went over to the floral area. I picked up Lauren some flowers, along with some for my mother, and got Lauren some Thanksgiving balloons. While we were checking out, a guy noticed my balloons and said "Those are really pretty balloons, are they for your mom?"

Me: "Thanks, No, they are for my daughter."
Him: "Oh that's sweet, did you get them for her to play with?"

Me: "No, I am going to put them out for her."

:( It was hard saying that. Looking at this man who imagined a little girl, bright-eyed, excited over some pretty balloons... I wish that was the case. So anyway, Brandon, Halley, and I took the flowers and balloons to Lauren, and then took some flowers to my mom and my mom's mom.

Then after all of that, we enjoyed the remainder of our day at Brandon's parent's house. Overall I had an okay day, as good as it could be I suppose. Now I am all alone. Halley stayed with her grandparents and my husband has a 16 hour shift for Black Friday and my saddness is overwhelming. I chose to work tomorrow so I hope I am able to get a little rest tonight. :/ I hope everyone had a nice holiday.

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For That, I Am Thankful
By Darcie Sims

It doesn't seem to get any better,
but it doesn't get any worse either.For that, I am thankful.

There are no more pictures to be taken,
but there are memories to be cherished.
For that, I am thankful.

There is a missing chair at the table,
but the circle of family gathers close.
For that, I am thankful.

The turkey is smaller,
but there is still stuffing.
For that, I am thankful.

The days are shorter,
but the nights are softer.
For that, I am thankful.

The pain is still there,
but it lasts only moments.
For that, I am thankful.

The calendar still turns, the holidays still appear
And they still cost too much,
but I am still here.
For that, I am thankful.

The room is still empty, the soul still aches,
but the heart remembers.
For that, I am thankful.

The guests still come, the dishes pile up,
but the dishwasher still works.
For that, I am thankful.

The name is still missing, the words still unspoken,
but the silence is shared.
For that, I am thankful.

The snow still falls, the sled still waits,
and the spirit still wants to...
For that, I am thankful.

The stillness remains,
but the sadness is smaller.
For that, I am thankful.

The moment is gone,
but the love is forever.
For that, I am blessed.
For that, I am grateful.

Love was once (and still is)
a part of my being.
For that, I am living.

I am living,
and for that, I am thankful.

Angel Moms

Angel Moms

By: Judi Walker

We have shared our tears and our sorrow,

We have given encouragement to each other,

Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,

We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,

Who we watched grow over the years,

Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,

But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,

The bond we share is very strong,

With each other there is no need to explain,

The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,

They didn't want us on this journey alone,

They knew we needed each other,

To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,

We may stumble and fall along the way,

But we'll get up and try again,

Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,

We'll create a place where we belong,

Together we will find ways to cope,

Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong!

Surviving Loss

I feel like I am constantly moving backwards instead of foward in my grieving process.. well if there is a structure to one.. There was an article another mommy shared in our MEND group that I would like to share:

http://adrr.com/living/sloss.htm

I read through this and one of the things that stuck out to me the most was this statement:

"Most parents who have lost a child operate at about 10% to 15% of their  normal capacity for at least six months.  Suggesting  that the  person "do more" when they can actually do 85% less  is  insisting  that the person do things that gratify the  demander  -- often  at the expense of whatever energy the person has  to  care for their family and remaining loved ones."

Okay, So I am not crazy. I sit back sometimes and look at everything Brandon does for this family. I have not been putting in my part. Please do not mistake me not being able to, with me not trying. I do try. But I don't think the ordinary person understands how much it takes for me to get out of bed, to function at work, to carry on a conversation. Absolutely nothing, not one thing, feels the same as it did before Lauren passed away. I feel so bad after reading this statement from the article because I know Brandon is experiencing the same pain as I am, but he tries to do anything and everything for me. I feel so fortunate that my husband is exhausting himself to help me out. It really shows his love and dedication to our family.  I know we both have a ton on our plates: Caring for Halley, caring for ourselves, keeping the household running, cleaning, taking care of 2 dogs, working, keeping up with other family & whatever few friends we have left, and loving one another. I can say how hard it is to do more than one of those at a time. I sometimes completely zone out when people talk, often because I am deep thoughts.. or when I am driving, I have been thinking and crying, but enjoying that time where I can do that alone and not put the burden on my family. I also completely drop everything when I open my locket and look at Lauren's picture or when my phone lights up with a text message - I can't even see the message itself, only her picture in the background.

I can say I have been concentrating on having conversations with him and Halley though. I think for a while I had even been cutting them out. I mean I could ask them questions or reply but I didn't retain any information and my heart was just not in it. A couple weeks ago we talked about active listening at work, and it showed me - pointed straight out to me, that I had been secluding them and it made my heart hurt worse. How in the world could I do that? I don't know how it was possible for me to shut out the ones that love me the most, but I did it. I curled up in ball. cried every night, and couldn't speak about anything - I just truly miss being so happy. I miss crying tears of joy. I miss Lauren. I miss the love my family felt. Now all we have is heartache.

Then, I started to feel the breezes or the warmth of the sun again. I could hear what my family was telling me. I made it through Halloween. I was cleaning again. But lately, I've noticed that has been slowing down again (hence why I feel like I'm going backwards). I can still hold a conversation.. or at least for a few minutes, but I sometimes feel as though as I cannot function. After reading this article, I realized it isn't just me. I'm not crazy. I got the reassurance that grief is not a simple thing. The good thing is that I do not feel rushed. I am sure some people might want to shake me and tell me "Don't be like this" but it is a good thing they don't, or I am sure I would have a good amount of choice words for them. :)

I think the article would be a good read for anyone going through a loss, or trying to support someone through one. It is not lengthy but it just a good, quick overview of a few things that help/ don't help. I am also in the middle of another book, so hopefully I will be finished soon enough to post what I thought about it.

&& I just want to mention that there is a MEND meeting tonight, which I am thankful I get to attend! I was unable to go to last month's meeting since I was so sick. Being around other mommies that know my heartache helps. It is that reassurance thing that I get, that lets me know I am not alone, I have support, I am not crazy, and what steps I can take to make things a little easier on myself.

One Year Ago..

One year ago today I came home and took a pregnancy test. I couldn't believe my eyes, after 2 1/2 years of trying, our baby was coming. I remember jumping up & down, smiling so hard it hurt, and crying because I was amazingly happy. I have a heavy heart today. I am missing my baby girl. ♥

Lauren's marker also finally came in. It feels nice to have it finally. I can sit with her and touch her little hands. That's what Brandon, Halley, & I did today.. and we really didn't want to leave, but Halley had cheerleading practice so we had to. Now we are just waiting for the bench we ordered to come in!  I am adding pictures below to share.